Pain on Pain
by Coquettishness
Summary: NOW COMPLETE. E/B. AU - New Moon. “I should leave you alone. I’ve broken my promise to stay away from you.” Edward’s eyes flashed, anger mixed with longing. “But only because you broke your promise to me first.”
1. Prologue & Chapter 1

**Summary**: E/B. AU _New Moon_. "I should leave you alone. I've broken my promise to stay away from you." Edward's eyes flashed, anger mixed with longing. "But only because you broke your promise to me first."

**Rated**: M for sexual content.

**From Twilight Lexicon**: March 4th (Sat) –Bella goes looking for the meadow on her own where she sees Laurent – Laurent explains that Victoria sent him to find Bella and that he intends to kill her – Five huge wolves appear and chase Laurent away from Bella. (NM10)

**Author's Notes**: This story takes place after the canon scene described above and goes AU from there. According to the Lexicon, this is about two weeks before the _New Moon_ cliff-diving incident and a week before Bella discovers Jacob is a werewolf.

"Wait for love. You know it can happen." – _Pain on Pain_, by Feeder

***

**Pain on Pain  
**Written by Coquette

Prologue

My dreams were strangely vivid that night.

His familiar scent was all around me, flirting on the edge of my senses like an old friend, lost but never forgotten. It felt as though he was in the room with me. Impossible, but there it was all the same.

On the dim borders of my dreamscape, a shadow moved.

Like a fool, I imagined it was him – leaning over my sleeping form and brushing my hair aside so he could see my face. I stirred in my sleep, discomfited by the memory of him, but I was too tired to open my eyes. Besides, if I did that, the dream would slip away before it had barely begun.

I pretended his hand was on my brow, the coolness of his thumb smoothing away the tension, his other hand lost somewhere in my hair.

I sighed happily. Unhappily.

What a cruel imagination I had.

It wasn't really him, of course. Even caught somewhere in the middle of waking and sleeping, I knew I was only experiencing some sort of self-indulgent dream. He wasn't coming back, and I had accepted that fact. I wasn't okay with it, but I had accepted it. Still, I wasn't prepared for how much something as simple as a dream hurt me. The idea of him actually in my bedroom – the place where I had always been the most vulnerable with him – it was _painful_.

I loved and missed him too much, and the wounds were still too fresh. I needed to push the memory of him aside before it ripped the gaping hole he'd left in my chest even wider.

The lump in my throat was difficult to swallow, but I managed. "Please," I whispered. I don't know if I said it out loud, or if I just imagined myself speaking. Not that it mattered one way or another. I was addressing a figment of my imagination.

The hand stilled on my forehead, uncertain.

"Please," I whispered to the dream. "Just stop. Hurts."

The hand lingered a moment longer – then disappeared.

Seconds ticked by on the clock beside my bed, each one slightly louder than the last, bringing me back to reality little by little. Fully awake now, I exhaled a long sigh and opened my eyes, ready to dispel the last shreds of the dream.

My bedroom was empty, of course. Curtains swaying gently in the night breeze. A stale glass of water on the nightstand. The clock's steady cadence was out of time with my heartbeat.

It was exactly what I expected to see. Nothing out of place. Nothing strange at all.

Well. Almost nothing.

I sat up, brow creased in confusion as I pushed the covers away. I ran my fingers through my sleep-tangled hair, trying my best not to imagine a different set of fingers doing the same thing. I sniffed the air speculatively and wondered if maybe I was still dreaming. Because I could swear I recognized that scent...

I pushed the thought away before it developed any further. If I let my mind travel down that rocky path, only pain on top of pain awaited me, and I'd had enough of that. I laid back down and pressed my face into the pillow, eyes closed tight, shutting everything out.

I tried to sleep, but the ghostly memory of his scent and touch had done its job. I felt haunted. Lonely. Torn to ribbons.

Hours slipped away before I finally found some semblance of rest.

***

**Chapter One**

I wasn't aware I was late to school until I reached the campus parking lot. It was completely full, and I had to search nearly ten minutes before I found a spot for my truck. When I hopped out, my feet landed right in a freezing puddle, soaking my shoes, socks, and the cuffs of my jeans. Teeth chattering, I slammed the door and dropped the keys into my pocket.

It was going to be one of those days.

The school grounds were deserted, the hallways quiet except for murmurs behind closed doors. That meant the bell had already rung, and class was in session. Shouldering my backpack, I marched to my first classroom, wet sneakers squeaking on the linoleum. I felt like I had blinders on my eyes. I saw where I was going, but I wasn't _looking_ at my surroundings.

Everything had faded into a blur of color, a smear of sound.

My senses were numb. All except one.

I'd heard it said before that scent memory is the strongest, the most vivid. Mine was obviously faulty because I smelled _him_ everywhere. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, the non-Rowling manifestation.

When I woke that morning, I noticed his scent lingering in my bedroom. In my hair, on my skin, though I had taken a shower right before bed. Even the school hallways smelled of him. Obviously another delusion my brain had conjured up, similar to the way I heard his voice whenever I did something particularly reckless.

Perhaps it was the fact that Jacob and I hadn't talked in days. Maybe I was just lonely or scared from the incident in the meadow with Laurent and the wolves. Maybe my subconscious was trying to comfort me with memories of...

I shook my head, still unable to think his name.

Either way, I was convinced I was crazy. That wasn't news, so it didn't bother me much. The trick would be hiding it from everyone else.

"Get a grip, Swan," I muttered as I yanked open the door to my first period classroom.

The entire class turned to look in my direction.

I felt the stares – which were particularly exaggerated, as if everyone was waiting for me to trip or cry or something – but I made a point of looking elsewhere. My teacher wasn't pleased by my tardiness, and he marked the role-sheet with a red pen. Not missing a beat in his lecture, he waved me to my seat.

Well, good. I wasn't going to be made an example of today.

I didn't make eye contact with anyone as I maneuvered my way to my desk, but I did notice that everyone shifted in their seats as I passed. That was strange. For some reason, I was the center of attention.

They all followed me with their eyes, leaning over to whisper to their friends behind the shield of their cupped hands. As I passed Angela's desk, she cleared her throat in a way that was meant to catch my attention, but I pretended I didn't hear her. We could talk after class, and then maybe she could tell me why everyone was acting so bizarre. So I was late. What was the big deal?

I looked up then -- and finally understood.

Edward Cullen was sitting in his old desk.

Just sitting there as if he hadn't been missing for months. Hair mussed, shirt wrinkled, heavy shadows smudged beneath eyes that wouldn't look at me.

My bag slipped unnoticed from my shoulder. "Oh," I gasped.

Then I tripped and fell, completely caught off-guard by the sudden appearance of my ex-boyfriend. On the way down toward the cold linoleum, my cheek caught the edge of a desk, but I barely noticed the resulting pain. It was nothing compared to what was going on inside of me. The sight of him was simultaneously like a knife in the stomach and a drink of cool water.

After my klutz-attack, everyone in the vicinity leapt to their feet or at least feigned concern. But all of their faces seemed very far away to me, blurred into the background. Only one face remained in focus. I stared at him in disbelief, pulse faltering when his eyes finally met mine.

The second our eyes locked, I knew it was really him and that this was no delusion. My imperfect memories of him had never done him justice. He was too beautiful.

He got to his feet when everyone else did, all lean lines beneath uncharacteristically wrinkled clothing, but he didn't move toward me. His fists were clenched. His face was smooth, difficult to read, but his eyes seemed to shine and waver -- like they were filled with fire. It frightened me a little. I thought perhaps he was ... angry with me. A firestorm brewed behind his amber gaze, one I didn't begin to understand.

Mike Newton was the one who helped me to my feet. It might have been my imagination, but Edward's gaze appeared to darken a shade. Angela was there, too, and she pressed a handful of tissues to my cheek. I winced, the pain in my cheek finally snapping me out of my trance.

"You're bleeding," she whispered. "Are you okay?"

I nodded, unable to speak. Was I okay? I honestly didn't know. I was too stunned.

The teacher rapped on his desk in order to bring the class to attention. "Angela, if you be so kind as to escort Bella to the nurse?"

"I'll take her," said Edward.

I shivered involuntarily at the familiar sound of his voice. It felt like silk slipping all over my body, and like glass rubbing into a wound.

The class shifted toward the teacher, eyes wide with the joy of scandal, waiting to see what he would say.

The teacher made a disapproving sound in his throat. "Don't you think you've missed quite enough, Mr. Cullen?"

He was referring to Edward missing months of class, of course, but I heard my teacher's words in a different way. Judging from the class's reaction, I think most of them did, too. Chuckles swelled amid a churning sea of whispers.

The class shifted as a single body to look at Edward again -- a few of them glaring, a few of them grinning, all of them waiting to see if he would challenge the teacher's authority. It was like watching a tennis match. But Edward fell silent, wavering eyes still fixed on me. The calm before a storm.

His expression confused me, alarmed me. What on earth had I done to make him that angry? Was my scent causing him to react like that? I was bleeding, after all.

I didn't have the opportunity to find out. My teacher dove back into the lesson before the class could start gossiping again. Angela tugged on my elbow and guided me toward the door.

My eyes stayed locked with Edward's until the very last second, when the door closed between us.

***

To be continued.

**Author's Note**: A bit more angst than I usually write, but don't worry. I love me some happy endings, so there will eventually be fluff. I have quite a bit of this story already written, so I should be able to get chapters up frequently. I hate waiting, too.

I don't read much fic, but I'm sure this type of storyline has been written before. Thing is, I have a hang-up with _New Moon_ – namely, with the way Bella and Edward reunited so effortlessly. I need to write about it, so I can get it out of my system. Hope you don't mind the rehash.

Drop me a comment if you have a sec. I've missed writing for you guys. See you soon!

-Coquette


	2. Chapter 2

**Pain on Pain  
**Written by Coquette

Chapter Two

_Where had he come from? And why did he come back?_

Those were the kinds of questions running through my mind as Angela walked beside me down the empty school corridor. I paid particular attention to my footsteps and the mechanics of walking -- one foot forward, then the other -- otherwise I think I would have stopped walking entirely and sat down in the middle of the hallway.

_Would he stay? Would he leave again? Why would he show up at school if he was just going to leave again? Oh, God...Oh, God..._

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I heard Angela speaking to me in her quiet, subdued way. Scolding myself for not paying attention, I tried to focus in on what she was saying.

"I didn't know how to warn you," said Angela as we turned a corner. "He just showed up this morning in class, out of the blue. Even the teacher was surprised. You _really_ need to get a cell phone, Bella."

What I needed was some answers.

_Why was he so angry? Did I do something wrong?_

How strange he had looked -- more beautiful than I remembered -- yet unexpectedly rumpled and weary-looking. And those shadows under his eyes.... If I didn't know for a fact that he was a vampire who didn't need sleep, I'd say he was in serious need of some rest and relaxation.

But what was I saying? Edward was fine. He was always fine. Perfect. Impermeable. Unbreakable, unlike me. He didn't need me the way I needed him.

"I heard Alice and Jasper are back at school, too," Angela continued. "I haven't seen them myself, but other people have. There was quite a bit of ... talk this morning. Before the bell rang." She had the decency to look apologetic. "It wasn't bad, I promise. Most people just wondered whether or not you knew they were back. I guess you didn't, huh? I'm so sorry, Bella."

***

When we reached the nurse's office, I slid onto the checkup table, the thin paper coverlet crinkling beneath my thighs. I wrapped my arms around my stomach to stop myself from shivering. Whether or not I was actually cold, I couldn't say.

I seriously needed to get a grip.

The nurse knew me by name, of course, though for the life of me, I couldn't remember hers. My brain was on overload. She greeted me with a slightly teasing, "Oh, if it isn't you again, Bella." She peeled back the bloody tissues from my face and tisk-tisked under her breath. "Had another accident, did we?"

I swallowed hard. Nodded. Couldn't speak, though I felt something bubbling its way up my throat. Not words exactly, though more than a few questions ricocheted around in my head. No, what I felt inside -- what was keeping me from speaking and causing me to tremble -- was a labyrinth of emotions I wasn't ready to process yet. It wasn't until I pushed it all down and shut off that part of my heart that finally felt myself start to calm down.

"My, you're really shaken up," said the nurse. "You're not going to faint, are you?"

I shook my head again, a bit of snap to my movements this time. "I'll be okay."

She eyed me warily, as if not fully convinced. After she sent Angela back to class, the nurse donned a pair of bifocals and inspected the cut on my cheek with the ever-present squint of a far-sighted person. "You're going to need stitches," she said. "I'll call your father so he can bring you to the emergency room."

I blanched. "Wait, I have to leave? Now?"

"Afraid so," the nurse said. "You cut yourself good. If I just patch you up, you're likely to get a scar on that pretty face. Don't worry about the stitches, dear. They'll be done before you know it."

I didn't tell her I was well-acquainted with stitches. All I could think about was that if I left, I wouldn't get to see _him_ again. Initially that thought was enough to send me spiraling into a panic.

_What if he left Forks again before I had a chance to see him?_

I forced myself to calm down -- forced the thought right out of my head because I just couldn't deal with it. The truth was, I wasn't ready to face Edward, no matter how much I wanted to.

Maybe it was for the best that I had to leave school. I had some thinking to do.

***

On the drive to the emergency room, Charlie eyed me carefully, fingers tight on the steering wheel as he sped down the wet highway. "You okay, kid? Look like you've seen a ghost."

I considered his words, thinking he might actually be onto something. I really did feel as though I'd seen a ghost -- that Edward had died, and I'd spent the last few months mourning his loss. And then this morning in first period, I'd been confronted by some sort of specter. No wonder I'd reacted the way I did.

"Just a little dazed," I said, which was the honest truth. Charlie didn't need to know the rest of the details. "Do you think I can make it back to school this afternoon?"

Charlie raised his eyebrows. "Day'll be nearly done by the time you get through the emergency room line. Why don't you just rest up this afternoon? Give your old man some peace of mind, knowing you're not going to tumble down any stairs or through a window. Again."

"There are stairs and windows at home, Dad."

Charlie shifted in his seat. "You have a test or something? Paper due?"

"No."

"Then what's the problem? Take the day off, kiddo. You don't look good."

I opened my mouth to argue, then shut it again. Eventually, the subject dropped, the only sound in the car the sloshy road-noise and the impatient drumming of my father's fingers on the steering wheel.

***

Charlie agreed to stay in the waiting area at my request. Stitches were something I preferred to do on my own, without the police chief interrogating the doctor as to what medical school he or she graduated from. Besides, I didn't want to deal with his questions right now. He watched me like a hawk these days, and I was afraid if I appeared to be anything but okay, he'd ship me off to Florida to live with Renée. I loved my mom, but I didn't belong there.

I calmed down considerably in the waiting room, and by the time I was brought to the back for my stitches, I could even walk in a straight line all by myself.

But when Carlisle Cullen walked into the room, I nearly fell off of the checkup table.

He laughed -- fondness, wariness, and maybe a little sadness all intermingled in the sound. "Hello, Bella. It's good to see you again. Though I admit, I didn't expect you here at the hospital so soon."

"Carlisle..." I breathed. "You're back."

"Not officially, yet," he said, taking a light out of his pocket and fiddling with the knob. He leaned close and shone it in my eyes, checking for whatever doctors checked for. "I came this morning to reapply for my old position here at the hospital, and since they were shorthanded in the ER, I decided to stay and help out for a few hours."

"You're going to work here again?"

He nodded. "Under contract, this time. Looks like I'm stuck in Forks for at least a year. Not that I mind. Something about this place keeps drawing us back. Now let's take a look at that cut on your cheek. Chin up."

As he guided my face to the right angle and inspected the wound, I thought about the greater meaning behind his words. The Cullens weren't going anywhere for the next year. Well ... Carlisle wasn't, at least. It didn't mean Edward was going to stay -- or any of the others, for that matter. But the idea of having at least one of the Cullens around made my heart swell with happiness. They were family to me. All of them.

"It's good to have you back," I said, proud that my voice was so steady. "How is Esme? Is she...?"

"Yes, she's back as well. Worried about you. But otherwise, she's doing just fine." Carlisle released my chin and said, "Stitches is it, Bella. The cut isn't too deep, but deep enough to scar if we don't do something. This should only take a minute."

Carlisle set about finding some supplies, lining them up with careful precision before me. "Why is Esme worried about me?" I asked.

Carlisle didn't look up from what he was doing, but his face tensed almost imperceptivity. "You gave us all a bit of a scare this weekend."

I frowned, wondering what he meant. What had happened this weekend? My mind was in such shock, I could barely remember. On Saturday, I had gone hiking by myself to the meadow. And what else had happened? Oh, yeah. I had almost been killed by Laurent and a pack of overgrown wolves.

"But how did you ...?" And then I realized exactly how Carlisle knew about that. "Oh. Alice."

Carlisle's smile tightened. "She had a vision of Laurent confronting you. And worse still, she couldn't see what happened after that. We're not certain why, but everything in her vision went blank for her. Naturally, that caused quite a stir among our family. It's been a ... very interesting weekend. We were relieved to discover you were unharmed."

I stared at him. "When exactly did everyone come back?"

"We've arrived at different times," said Carlisle. "Edward arrived last, sometime late last night. He was out of the country, you see." Carlisle looked up at me then. "Hasn't Edward spoken to you yet?"

I swallowed and shook my head. Edward had spoken, only none of the words had been directed at me. Just that glare...

Carlisle frowned. "He wasn't at school this morning?"

I swung my legs, drumming my feet against the checkup table. "Oh. He was there all right."

"Well, perhaps I shouldn't say anything else until he's had a chance to speak with you. I'm sure the two of you have some catching up to do. Chin up again, Bella. Let's get you stitched up." He grinned at me. "Just like old times, isn't it?"

***

Charlie was mid-swig into a cup of coffee when I reached the hospital waiting room. He looked up, did a double-take when he saw Carlisle standing next to me, and promptly choked on a mouthful of hot liquid.

"Dr. _Cullen_?" said Charlie, eyes watering as he tried to stifle his coughs. "But I thought..."

Carlisle chuckled and held out his hand to my father. "How are you, Chief Swan? It's been too long."

Visibly shocked, Charlie shook hands with Carlisle and sputtered off an obligatory reply.

"Bella shouldn't have any scarring," said Carlisle. "I've called in a prescription for her at the hospital pharmacy. If you wouldn't mind picking it up for her?"

Charlie didn't appear to have heard him. His eyes were wide but hard, and I saw his cheek twitch the way it did when there was trouble in town and Chief Swan was needed. "Rest of your family back as well?" he asked gruffly. I'd heard him talk that way before -- when he was interrogating suspects.

"All except the older two," said Carlisle. "They're away at college."

Charlie stared at Carlisle hard. Then he trudged off without saying goodbye, muttering something cryptic under his breath. It wasn't very gracious, and that surprised me. I never knew Charlie to dislike Carlisle. Quite the opposite, actually.

No, my dad must thinking about another Cullen.

I could see already that was going to be a problem.

***

Charlie barely spoke as he drove me home, though he took every opportunity to curse at other drivers. I could see the wheels turning in his head. He checked the rearview mirrors often and turned up the police radio, even though the only thing coming across the airwaves was an announcement that there was free coffee at the local diner.

When we got to the house, Charlie idled at the curb rather than pulling into the driveway. I got out of the cruiser, closed the door, and leaned down to speak through the open window. "Dad? You okay?"

"Hmm?" he grunted. "Oh. Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. It's starting to rain again, Bells. Why don't you go on inside and uh ... lock the doors. I need to get back on patrol. Be home by supper."

He drove off without another word. I flinched as a raindrop struck my forehead. More pelted my jacket, my hair. Pulling up the hood on my jacket, I turned toward the house.

And froze.

My truck was sitting in the driveway. But I had left it at school, gone to the hospital with Charlie in his police cruiser. So how had it gotten there?

I stuck my hand into my jacket pocket and pulled out my truck keys -- exactly where I'd put them when I'd arrived at school that morning. Eyes shifting back to the truck, I realized whoever had brought it here must have hotwired it.

Charlie hadn't noticed it in the driveway when he'd dropped me off. Too caught up in his own thoughts, I supposed. I was glad he hadn't spotted it. He'd never have left otherwise.

A shaky breath eased from my chest as I trudged toward the truck. The cabin was empty, the windshield speckled with raindrops except where the wipers had recently been turned on.

The door was unlocked. With shaky hands, I opened it and peeked inside. Edward's smell greeted me like a mallet to the face.

I inhaled deeply. Exhaled. Then got in the truck and closed the door.

I made a point not to look around as I locked the door. I knew without knowing that he was out there, somewhere around my house -- and if I really tried, I would find him. But I wasn't ready to face him, wasn't even close to ready.

Outside it started to pour, raindrops drumming on the truck's roof, streaming down the windows like tears.

I thought about crying. But I didn't.

His scent ebbed at me, melting down my defenses little by little. I sighed and put my hands on the steering wheel -- though the keys were still in my pocket -- and thought for a very long time. My own way of attempting to take control.

"Why am I so scared? " I asked myself out loud. " What's the worst that could happen? What's the worst thing he could do to me if I faced him right now?"

He'd already broken up with me. As horrible as that had been, it still wasn't the worst part of the whole situation.

No, the worst scenario was to have him leave again.

I could handle it if he still didn't want me. It would hurt, but I would get by. At least he would still be here, back in Forks where I could see him and know he was okay.

A tiny smile cracked through the numb mask of my face. It had been good to see him. Really, amazingly good. Once the shock and residual hurt faded, I hoped that part would only get better.

So how did I keep him here? Make him feel as though he didn't have to leave again?

The answer was as painful as the question, of course. I had to stay away from him -- at least as far away as he desired.

He had to know I wasn't going to throw myself at him or try to manipulate him into taking me back. He had to know I cared but that I didn't expect anything from him. He had to know I was here if he needed a friend but would understand if he didn't want one.

Did I have the courage to face him and put his mind at ease?

I finally looked toward the woods, through the rain-dappled window, and caught the slightest hint of movement beyond the trees.

A flash of bronze hair, of white skin.

I saw his face in my mind, eyes black with anger I didn't understand.

He wanted me to know he was there. Otherwise, I wouldn't have seen any trace of him. He wanted me to come find him.

I took a deep breath, wet my lips, and got out of the truck.

***

To be continued.

**Author's Note: **Thanks for the sweet comments, you guys. Made me smile. :) I'm guess I'm not the only one out there that needs some _New Moon_ closure. Has anyone else re-read the end of that book, trying to glean more from their reunion than what's written? Or am I just the only crazy one? Heh.

While I do think the reappearance of Edward would undoubtedly floor Bella, I also wanted her to ... I dunno ... (wo)man up a bit. Stand tall. Make this about what he wants rather than what she wants. And I wanted her to come to that place on her own, without the pretty vampire distracting her -- which is why Edward wasn't in this chapter. But don't worry -- there will be a lot of him starting with the next chapter.

I really do think Bella can be strong if she lets herself. What do you think?

See you soon!

-Coquette


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note**: Seems a lot of people noticed that Carlisle was a little cold and distant with Bella. Trust me, there's a reason, bbs! Just sit back and relax. ;D

Oh, and just a few canon reminders. (I've had to go to the Lexicon so many times to get this stuff straight ... lol.) Bella doesn't know Jacob is a werewolf at this point in the book. And though she saw the wolves in the meadow, she's unaware that werewolves exist or that they killed Laurent. She just saw them chase him off. Also, Jacob has gone through the transformation, but he's still avoiding her. K? K.

3 Now then – on with the return of Angst-ward. Because he hurts so pretty.

***

**Pain on Pain**  
Written by Coquette

Chapter Three

I got lost in the rain.

The air was thick with moisture, the creeping fog keeping me from seeing anything more than a few feet in front of my face. All the trees looked the same, mist-shrouded giants that towered around me, each one resembling the last until I was completely turned around.

I felt small and exposed, teeth chattering as I inched through the gloom. Still, though I knew I was lost, I wasn't afraid. He was out there somewhere. I could feel him, drawing me forward like I was under some sort of thrall. Not only could I feel his nearness, but I could hear him as well – always just out of reach.

A branch snapped to my right.

I frowned, distracted, and barely avoided tripping over a gnarled tree root.

It wasn't like Edward to make noise if he didn't want to be heard, so I knew I was supposed to follow. But I didn't understand the game -- namely, why he was leading me out here rather than facing me. I'd known him to be evasive before, but this wasn't like him.

Though it was pouring, I pulled off the hood of my jacket so that I could see without anything blocking my peripheral vision. Rain soaked my hair, dripped from my nose and chin, but I barely noticed it. Another branch snapped ahead of me, and I quickened my pace, growing more and more anxious to see him.

I could see light up ahead. A brighter clearing in the trees. Maybe he would be there, waiting for me...

I stepped through the line of trees and found myself ... right back where I'd started. At home. Mouth open, I stared at the house, at my truck. Without me even realizing what he'd been doing, Edward had turned me around and led me out of the forest the same way I'd come.

It stung like a rejection. A slap to the face, even. I turned to stare at the woods behind me, tears filling my eyes.

If he'd gone to so much trouble to bring me my truck and make himself known, why wouldn't he talk to me?

It was enough to get me angry. Though my throat had started to ache, I pushed the tears back and kicked a rock out of my path. "I'm not in the mood to play games, Edward," I called out. "Don't be such a coward. If you want to talk, well ... you know where to find me."

I waited, giving him one last chance to speak up. But after a few seconds with no response, my chin fell in defeat. I hugged myself and turned toward the house.

Edward stood in my path, his body partially obscured behind a tree.

I drew up short, a shuddering breath caught in my throat. Though I'd known he was out there somewhere, I still reeled at the sight of him – his beautiful face peeking out through the mist like a ghostly memory.

Something in my heart clicked back into place. A lock. A puzzle piece.

I forgot my anger – forgot everything – when I saw the look on his face. He looked like an uncertain little boy. Wary, like he knew he'd done something wrong. Skittish, like he was ready to bolt back into the forest. I realized then that he hadn't been playing games with me. Not intentionally, at any rate. No, he was just as uncertain about this rendezvous as I was. I could tell that he really did want to see me -- but maybe wasn't sure if he should.

His hair and clothing were soaked from the downpour, bangs plastered flat against his forehead. Lips pale, dappled with raindrops. Shadows smudged beneath his eyes. He looked younger than I remembered. Lost. Still, beneath the vulnerability, something else brewed. His black eyes were liquid fire, a quiet anger brewing within.

But was he angry – or was that hunger I was seeing?

I flashed back to that first day at Forks High School more than a year ago, when he'd had such a violent reaction to my scent. Edward had been away from me for so long -- it would make sense if my scent caused him to struggle with his bloodlust again.

"Are you going to..." I gulped and took a step backwards. "...eat me?"

He almost smiled ... but not quite.

I relaxed a fraction, taking the half-smile as reassurance that he was in control of his thirst. I'd already be dead if he wasn't. Though he still looked angry, I could see him better now – through the eyes of someone who wasn't in a complete state of shock – and I couldn't decide now if that anger was directed at me or at someone else. Because I saw something else in his face, too. Once upon a time, I might have called it love.

I didn't know what to call it now.

We stood and stared at each other for a solid minute. It was awkward, unnerving, but it was also good. It filled me up inside ... to be able to see him again, to know that he still existed in the same world I did. It was all I could do not to run over and barrel into him. I wanted to feel his arms wrapped tight around me, his fingers in my hair, his skin beneath my lips.

I settled for just looking at him. After months without him, it was enough.

"Hi," I said at last – voice meek, shy.

His gaze dropped to the forest floor. "Hello."

I had to strain to hear him. His tone wasn't unkind, but it wasn't particularly warm either. It reminded me of the first guarded months after we'd met last year. Still, there was something worrisome on the edges of it. He didn't seem like himself somehow. It was as if all the life and light had gone out of him, leaving him empty.

Where had he been all this time, and what had happened that had made him so sad?

I shifted on my feet, anxious for him. "A-are you okay?"

His eyes returned to my face. "Am I...?" He chuckled – a hard, incredulous sound. I saw the anger flash in his eyes again. "I should be asking you that. God, Bella. Look at you."

After everything I'd fought through -- after everything that I'd striven to overcome to get _this_ normal -- his words seriously rubbed me the wrong way. I narrowed my eyes, suddenly defensive. "What's that supposed mean? That I'm soaked and cold? Sorry. I got led on a wild goose chase there for a few minutes."

Edward had the decency to look apologetic. He stepped out fully from behind the tree but still hovered some distance away. "I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean for you to follow. Well. Maybe I did. I don't know. I just ... didn't plan for things to go this way."

"I don't understand what you mean."

To be honest, I wasn't even sure that _he_ understood what he meant. Edward was a mess – full of contradictions, of confusion and self-doubt. I stared at him ... and really started to worry about him.

His eyes skimmed over me. "You're shivering." He shrugged out of his jacket as if to offer it to me but hesitated once he had it in his hands. "I'd give this to you, but it's soaked." He chuckled again, just as bitterly as before. "Making things worse, as per usual," he muttered. "You should probably go inside, Bella -- where it's warmer. I'll stay away this time. I promise."

I stared at him, trying to make sense of his convoluted thought processes. "I didn't ask you to stay away. Why are you acting like this? Like you're afraid to come near me?"

"Maybe I am afraid -- that the second I get near you, you'll get hurt." He gestured to the cut on my cheek, which had started to throb in the cold rain. "Though I suppose that destructive pattern has already started, hasn't it? Five seconds in the same room with me, and you're already walking away, bleeding."

"I'm the clumsiest person in a hundred mile radius – probably several hundred miles. That's hardly your fault." I shook my head when the pained expression on his face didn't change. "It's just a cut, Edward. You know I've had worse. Carlisle patched me right up."

Edward's eyes were suddenly sharp – angry again. "You saw Carlisle?" he asked, tone flat.

I frowned, taken aback by the change in him. "Well, yeah. He gave me stitches at the hospital. Is that a ... problem?"

A muscle in Edward's jaw ticked. "It's nothing. I just asked my family to stay away from you, is all."

His words surprised me, but they shed a bit of light on some questions I'd had. Such as why Alice hadn't come to see me yet, or why Carlisle had acted nice but distant toward me at the hospital.

"Why would you do that?" I fumed. "That's not fair."

"I have my reasons," he replied, and I could tell I wasn't going to get anything else out of him on the subject. If I wanted to know, I'd have to find out from someone else. "Regardless, I'm sorry I startled you this morning in class. I thought you knew I was back."

"How could I possibly have known that?" I asked.

Edward looked at me as if he was trying to decide if I was serious or not. "I suppose you really were asleep last night, weren't you? I came to see you, and you asked me to leave."

"Oh," I said, feeling foolish. A blush stained my cheeks. "I thought I was dreaming."

"I see. Well, all the same, I'm sorry I snuck into your room. I know I don't have any right to do so. I just needed to make sure you were all right. Alice told me you were fine, but ... I needed to see it for myself." The hard edge returned to his eyes, and his words started coming very fast. "Bella, why didn't you try to contact us after Laurent…" He trailed off, as if the very question frustrated him. "He could have killed you. He could still be out there."

"And how exactly was I supposed to contact you? You didn't exactly leave a forwarding address."

Edward opened his mouth to argue – then closed it again. He swallowed and didn't speak again for a few moments. Then he asked quietly, as though he were afraid of the answer, "How did you even get away? Alice couldn't see you again until later."

"Luck, I guess. Wolves came out of the forest and chased Laurent off."

Edward's eyes widened. "What kind of wolves?"

I threw up my hands. "I don't know. The big kind. Are you going to find some way to blame me for that, too?"

"It wouldn't be difficult," said Edward. "You shouldn't have been out in that forest by yourself."

"Oh, I cannot believe you. You haven't been around for months, Edward, and now you just show up to ... to _scold_ me. I don't know why you're so angry with me, but if that's it, then that's just stupid. It doesn't even make sense."

I watched as my words registered on his face. They hit him hard for some reason, and the fight went out of him quickly. He exhaled and without warning, sat down – right there on the wet forest floor. He put his head in his hands, a look of despondence on his face that made my heart twist. He looked so sad... I couldn't figure him out at all.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, fingers twisting in his wet hair. "I don't mean to take this out on you. It's not you I'm angry with. It's ... well, my family for one. Some things happened this weekend. I'm not really speaking to all of them at the moment."

I frowned at his words, wanting to ask what had happened. But sensing he wasn't done speaking, I held back.

He lifted his head up, gaze returning to my face. "Though I suppose that's not the whole truth," he said. "Maybe I am a little angry with you, too. Call it scolding or whatever you like, but you lied to me, Bella. I think I have a right to be upset."

My mouth fell open. "Lied to you? What are you talking about?"

"I know I'm a hypocrite for saying this – that I lied to you, too. I know I should leave you alone. I've broken my promise to stay away from you." Edward's eyes flashed again, anger mixed with longing. "But only because you broke your promise to me first. You told me before I left Forks that you wouldn't do anything reckless or stupid."

I flinched. "I haven't hurt myself, if that's what you're implying."

My words seemed to make him angrier. "Haven't you? Alice saw a few things in recent weeks, and I don't like them, Bella. It seems like you've done everything in your power to be reckless. Why? And when was the last time you looked in a mirror? You're skin and bones. You look exhausted, like someone beat you up. And that's just the tip of the iceberg."

I looked away, a sinking feeling in my gut. "I had the stomach flu recently. It went around school. I probably lost a little weight."

His reply was sarcastic. "Yes, that must be it."

"I'm doing the best I can, Edward. Believe me, this is an improvement."

"Oh, trust me. I know. Do you have any idea what I heard in people's thoughts today at school? What I saw in their memories about you? The second people saw I was back, they started thinking about you and what happened after I left – about what it did to you. It seems everyone in school thinks I should stay away from you."

"I don't care what people say," I whispered.

"_I care_, Bella, because I care about you. I don't mean to yell at you or cause you pain by bringing all this up. It's just that I left a happy, healthy girl behind last fall, and I don't know where she went."

I didn't how to respond to that. I didn't remember being a happy, healthy girl when he'd left. Perhaps the change was more exaggerated for Edward, since he'd seen only the before and after – and a select few middle scenes he'd picked up from people's minds.

Still, his words hurt me – because deep down, I knew he was right. I hadn't taken care of myself, and regardless of anything he'd done to me, I should have at least tried. If not for him, then for myself. I could blame him for a lot of things – for most of it, actually – but not that part.

My legs suddenly felt weak, and I sat down under a tree, staying some distance away from him. The rain began to slow, a soft drizzle now, the world around us gray and hazy with fog.

I picked up a leaf and twirled it between my fingers by the stem. "When you left ... and I'm not telling you this to make you feel guilty, Edward. I just need you to understand." I took a deep breath and tried again. "When you left, it wasn't like you just broke up with me. I think I could have handled that. I've never really understood why you took an interest in me in the first place. But when you were suddenly not there – just gone, ripped away – it honestly felt like you died. I fell apart a little bit. Like I was mourning for you."

I let the leaf drop to the ground. "I'm glad you're back, Edward. And I hope you decide to stay. Not just for me, but because Forks is your home – your family's home. Just know that I don't expect anything from you, so don't feel like you have to avoid me or hide from me. I'll be your friend if you want one, and I won't bug you if you don't." Tears clouded my vision. "I'm just really glad you're here, Edward. I missed you so much."

I didn't realize Edward had gotten up until he was right in front of me. I gasped, caught off guard by his sudden nearness – and held perfectly still as he dropped to his knees in front of me.

He didn't look me in the eyes, but he gripped my upper arms just below my shoulders – firm but gentle – then lowered his face to my hair. I trembled within the tight hold of his hands, almost afraid to let myself truly enjoy that moment. It felt like he was the only thing holding me together.

He held me like that for a long time – nuzzling the top of my head, inhaling and exhaling as if reacquainting himself with my scent.

"I've missed you, too," he whispered, lips moving to brush across my forehead. "I know you're trying your best, and I'm so sorry I didn't give you my best. We'll figure this out, Bella – figure out what's right for both of us. But I promise you this – unless you ask me to, I'll never leave you like that again."

***

To be continued.

**Author's Note**: Oh my hell, that chapter was hard to write. O_o No idea why. I need a massage – maybe a stiff drink and a kitty to pet.

Ah, Edward. Always overreacting and floundering for control. As for why he's angry with his family, that will be disclosed soon – perhaps through another character. Here's a hint. Name rhymes with chalice...

Thanks for the sweet comments! They really mean a lot to me. I'm trying to answer all of them this morning, but I'm a little behind. Soon. :)

Cheers,  
Coquette


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note:** I had a canon error in a previous chapter. I said Jasper had returned to school with Alice and was reminded from a very kind reader that he had already graduated the previous year. (I'm such a derp derp sometimes.) Thanks for pointing that out, train_lindz!

As for the new chapter, a few words on Charlie...

While I think Charlie is definitely out for Edward's blood at this point (metaphorically speaking, of course), keep in mind that in my story there was no _Bella-disappearing-for-days-and-days-because-of-Edward_ fiasco to really push Charlie off the deep end. In my story, Charlie's in more of a _you-mess-with-my-kid-and-I'll-mess-with-your-world_ type of mood.

Hope you like the new chapter. This one was fun to write.

***

**Pain on Pain  
**Written by Coquette

**Chapter Four**

The first thing I did when I woke up the next morning was call Jacob.

It was the only reasonable time of day I could think of when he'd definitely be home. I couldn't exactly call him in the wee hours of the morning without seeming like a stalker. It was more acceptable to call while the sun was up – however early that might be. He might be disgruntled that I'd woken him, but a disgruntled Jacob was better than no Jacob at all.

I needed to talk to my best friend. I needed him bad. But there was no answer at his house – not even Billy.

I left a message and slammed the phone down, tears burning my eyes. I didn't know what I had done to make him hate me so much.

So much had happened since I'd last spoken to him. I wanted to tell him about it and find out what was going on with him, too. I tried not to find irony in the fact that the moment Jacob had disappeared, the other part of my heart had returned.

Seemed I was only allowed one good thing at a time.

***

Downstairs at the breakfast table, Charlie was in a mood.

He was also a mess, as though he'd been distracted while getting dressed. His shirt buttons weren't lined up correctly, his hair uncombed, and he had coffee creamer dotting his mustache. If I didn't know better, I'd think Renée had dressed him.

I knew why he looked that way. He'd been up all night polishing his gun collection. I could only think of a single reason why he'd do that.

Charlie grunted something at me that sounded like, "G'morning." Then he went back to brooding and blowing steam from the top of his coffee mug. A beat later, he looked up at me as if he hadn't truly realized I was there. His eyes narrowed into slits. "Just where do you think you're going?"

I grabbed a napkin from the holder on the counter and handed it to him. "It's Tuesday, dad. I have school in half an hour." I tapped the area above my upper lip. "Mustache. You've got a little something..."

He took the napkin from my hand and scrubbed it across his mouth. "Thought you'd be home today."

"Everything okay, dad? You seem a little on edge."

He grunted again – some sort of indifferent reply I couldn't decipher – and took a hasty swallow of coffee. When he burned himself, he cursed and slammed the mug down on the table.

I turned away from him to retrieve a box of cereal from the pantry. I knew exactly what was wrong with him, of course. I just wanted him to get it over with and admit it.

Charlie hadn't mentioned Edward a single time since we'd seen Carlisle at the hospital yesterday – but I knew he wanted to. It was as if Charlie was afraid the moment he acknowledged the existence of my ex-boyfriend, it meant that he had to acknowledge the rest of it, too – that Edward was really back in Forks and back in both of our lives.

I ate my cereal dry, right out of the box. Watching. Waiting. Knowing Charlie was close to blowing his fuse. I braced myself for it, knowing it was better to just get it over with – before he really had to time mull things over.

He lasted another thirty seconds, then he cleared his throat and said, "So, uh. You seen him yet?"

I popped another handful of cereal into my mouth. "Seen who?"

He looked at me sharply. "Oh, don't give me that crap. Who do you think I mean?"

I sighed. No sense in beating around the bush. "Yeah, I've seen him."

"That all you're gonna tell me?"

"There's nothing else to tell. It's none of your business, dad."

"Like hell it isn't. You at least give him a piece of your mind? 'Cause I sure as hell intend to."

My gaze fell away from his. "A small piece, yes."

"Well, unless you made him cry, then kicked him square in the balls while he was groveling, it wasn't nearly good enough." He paused and shifted in his chair, looking vaguely uncomfortable. "On second thought, don't kick him in the balls. It's very painful, and I can't condone that course of action on any male, good or evil. Just key his car or something."

Fighting a smile, I leaned down and kissed Charlie's scruffy cheek. "I'll consider it."

Charlie deflated. "You want me to do anything? I mean, that boy and I are going to have words, believe you me. But there are other things I could do. Impound that sissy car of his. Uncover some parking tickets that may or may not have been fabricated. Accidentally shoot him in the kneecap. They've got this new taser gun at the station, and if you put the setting just right and aim it at his—"

I put my hand up in the air, signaling him to stop. "I can handle Edward, really!"

"I sure hope so, Bella. You're my little girl, and I love you more than anything in this world. I worry about you. Don't you let some _boy_ determine your happiness anymore – good or bad. You hear me? If I see you moping around here again, I'm sending your ass packing to Florida. We clear?"

I sighed and closed the cereal box. "Crystal."

Charlie hesitated, expression softening as he studied me. "I know you're trying, sweetheart. And deep down beneath all the murderous rage, I know Edward only left because he had to go with his family when they left Forks."

I bit my lower lip but didn't correct Charlie's misinformation. He only knew the story the townsfolk had told him about the Cullen's exodus – not the truth.

"But still," continued Charlie. "The way he did it just wasn't right. Leaving you out there in those woods all by yourself. Not giving you any kind of warning and then just cutting you off. Well, hopefully he knows by now how wrong all that was. But, Bella, take it from a guy. If you don't tell that boy how much he hurt you, he just ain't gonna get it."

***

Charlie had a point.

Watching from the window as his police cruiser backed out of the driveway, I pondered his advice.

I hadn't told Edward how I really felt yesterday. I'd chiseled at the iceberg – chipped away a bit of the hurt – but what lurked beneath the surface was substantial.

There was too much uncertainty still between Edward and me – so much we needed to sort through. Yesterday, we hadn't gotten much further than his promise not to leave Forks.

"We'll figure it out," he'd kept saying. "What's right for both of us." And then, after walking me to the door with his hands buried in his pockets, he had left.

I didn't know where we stood – if we were acquaintances, friends, more than friends, or nothing at all. His words gave me hope that at least the latter option was out, but I really couldn't say. I liked to think that we had something, however ambiguous. A wary truce, perhaps.

I had sat up for most of the night – arms tingling where he'd held me – and tried to process it all. I knew I was glad he was back and that I didn't want him to leave again. I also knew he was right about me taking better care of myself, and I vowed to start. Not because he'd suggested it, but because I'd seen myself reflected in his expression, and it had frightened me a little.

Without Edward standing before me like a wet, kicked puppy dog I couldn't be angry at, I realized I was exactly that: angry.

I was particularly angry that Edward was still trying to separate me from his family. But deeper than that, I was angry with him for leaving in the first place. I didn't feel entitled to that anger, though, so I didn't allow myself to truly feel it. Edward was a free agent, and he didn't owe me anything. As much as it had killed me to see him go, that was his choice, and I had to respect it.

I repeated those words to myself again and again.

The anger remained.

That worried me a little. A part of me was afraid that one day all of it might come spilling out. Messy. Raw. Hurtful. I was afraid of unleashing that on him because I didn't know how deep that anger went inside of me or if I would be able to stop once I started. He'd probably never speak to me again once I was finished.

Maybe it was for the best that Edward and I remained distant for a while. I needed to get a grip on my temper before it wedged us even further apart.

***

I shifted my truck into park and cut the engine. Then I stared at the front entrance of my school for five minutes, trying to convince myself to go inside.

I didn't want to deal with it. The questions. The stares. The assumptions.

There was a small crowd of students congregating out front, chatting and catching up while they waited for the first bell to ring. Already, I'd seen two of them look my way, eyebrows raised. They turned to whisper to their friends, and then more of them joined in with the stare-fest. I groaned and lowered my forehead to rest on the steering wheel.

Alice would be there, I remembered.

I sighed and wriggled the keys out of the ignition. The thought of seeing her made everything else worth it.

***

Now that I was a source of fresh gossip, people apparently found me entertaining again. They greeted me in the hallway, came to ask about my stitches, and though I tried to respond the best I could, all of them seemed disappointed when no detail about Edward was included. That was private. They merely shrugged and found someone else to talk to when they realized I wasn't going to dish on the Cullens.

I didn't see Alice anywhere, and the bell rang before I had a chance to really look. But I found Edward right where I expected him to be – sitting at the desk beside mine, hands folded before him. He wasn't smiling, and he looked uncomfortable, like someone was pressing a sharp object into his back.

I managed to cross the room without tripping or making a fool out of myself. I tried to smile as I sat down beside him. "Hey."

Edward looked up at my greeting. The tiniest hint of a smile pulled at his lips, softened the pained look in his eyes.

Somehow that was better than a hello.

I was vaguely aware that the entire class was staring at us, teacher included. If the ground had decided to open up and swallow me right then and there, I wouldn't have minded one bit. I really wanted to get past this part.

Edward didn't have a book, so we had to share. But I noticed neither of us read along as the teacher delved into the lesson. I wasn't asked to answer any questions – a good thing since I wasn't paying attention – but the teacher picked on Edward more than was absolutely necessary. As per usual, Edward had all the right answers, but he leaned in to glance at the book for show. I shivered when his breath stirred my hair – his closeness, his scent enough to daze me.

The teacher said something, and everyone in the class flipped to the next page in the book. I reached out to do likewise – and jumped when Edward's hand closed over my wrist.

I looked at him in surprise as he moved the pad of his thumb across the bite-mark James had given me. Edward looked deep in thought as he stared at that scar, like he didn't realize what he was doing. The scar burned ice cold, as it usually did, and colder still because his fingers weren't exactly warm.

"Psst," someone whispered behind us. "Look. Over there."

"Are they holding hands? No way."

"That's so messed up."

Edward let go of my wrist abruptly. "Sorry," he whispered.

I shrugged it off. "Don't worry about it."

***

Edward and I had more classes together that morning, and after the incident in first period, all of them were beyond awkward. He didn't touch me again. Barely looked at me. Still polite but painfully distant. I was thankful when lunchtime came around. Walking on eggshells for that long was exhausting.

Things began to look up once I got to the cafeteria – the nicest sight in the world awaited me there.

From her old table at the end of the room, Alice grinned at me.

My heart leapt into my throat at the sight of her. Absolutely beside myself with joy, I wanted to run over and hug her – and I almost did just that – but she shook her head in warning before I could take a single step.

Her eyes shifted to her right, where Edward had just sat down in the chair beside her. He looked at me, then said something stern to Alice.

Alice smirked as if his words made her want to laugh – through judging from the look on his face, he hadn't meant to be funny. He'd probably told her to leave me alone. Alice gave me a wink, as if to say, _Don't worry. I've got the situation under control._

I watched as she wrote something on a piece of paper and held it up for me to see. "Check your locker," was written in letters just large enough for me to read from across the cafeteria.

Edward snatched the piece of paper from her hand and crumpled it up. Alice looked back at me and put her hand over her mouth to cover her giggle.

I beamed at her and nodded to let her know I'd understood. I'd missed her so much I could barely stay in my seat.

Edward glowered for the remainder of our lunch period, and Alice made faces at him – her cheeks puffed out, as if to mock his pouting. I think she was speaking to him through her thoughts because every now and again, he would say something to her – and it didn't look particularly heartwarming. Alice laughed at every word.

"Earth to Bella," said Jessica, who I didn't even notice was sitting in front of me. "Distracted much? You didn't hear a word I just said, did you?"

Her tone was stringent, and I imagined she was only talking to me because people were paying attention to me that day. I chose to smile at her, unwilling to bite back. It wasn't worth the energy. "Sorry."

"What I said was ... Edward Cullen is glaring at you."

Further down the table, Mike's expression grew dark, eyes fixed on the Cullen table. "No," he said. "Pretty sure he's glaring at me. I swear, sometimes I feel like he can hear what I'm thinking."

Across the cafeteria, Alice laughed again. Resisting the temptation to look for myself, I speared a potato wedge with my fork and stuck it in my mouth. It was dry and difficult to swallow – which was great. I couldn't be expected to speak if I was choking.

"You don't care?" asked Jessica. "I mean, I thought... well, I was just wondering if you were okay. You know, with Edward being back."

I chose my words carefully, knowing that Edward was likely listening to every word. "Why wouldn't I be okay with it?"

Angela cleared her throat timidly. "I think it's nice they're back."

"Yeah, well, you're the only one," muttered Mike. He put his fork down on the table with a clank. "Hey, Bella – you and Cullen aren't going out again, are you?"

Jessica scoffed. "Don't be ridiculous. Of course, they're not going out. I mean, stranger things have happened..." She paused and turned her eyes toward the ceiling. "...But still. You can't get hung up on him again, Bella. You do remember what you were like right after he left, don't you? Because all of us sure do."

Reluctant nods around the table. No one looked at me.

I took the opportunity to steal another peek at Edward. He was pinching the bridge of his nose, eyes shut tight as if he had a sudden headache.

Alice put her hand on his forearm. She wasn't laughing anymore.

***

As soon as I was done eating, I hurried out of the cafeteria – anxious to get away from my friends and to see why Alice wanted me to go to my locker.

I input the combination and tugged on the latch.

A note fell at my feet.

***

_Bella,_

_I'm reciting the Preamble of the Constitution in my head while writing this note, but Edward still knows I'm up to something._

_He's been difficult, to say the least._

_I've missed you. Let's catch up after school. Be at the front entrance when the final bell rings. He'll be anticipating something like this, so make a quick exit._

_Ensuring my domestic tranquility,  
Alice._

***

The rest of the day moved by at a snail's pace. I wriggled in my seat, tapped my pen on the desk, and tried without much success to pay attention to the lessons. When the final bell rang, I glanced at Edward, who wore a look on his face that meant he knew exactly what I was up to.

I eased out of my seat, grabbed my bag, and walked right past him.

I headed outside, knowing without knowing that Edward was shadowing me. I caught sight of his reflection in a window, looking from side to side as if he'd taken up the position of my personal bodyguard. Exactly what he hoped to accomplish by keeping me from Alice, I couldn't even begin to guess.

I found my truck idling at the front entrance of the school. Alice beamed at me from the driver's seat.

"He knows," I mouthed to her.

"It won't matter," she replied cheerily. "But I'll leave that part up to you, Bella."

Before I could take another step toward the truck, Edward put himself in my path with his back to me. "Alice," he growled. "_Don't_. We've talked about this."

"No, Edward. You talked about it. I was merely talked _at_." Alice batted her long eyelashes at him. "Aww, big brother thinks he can boss me around. That's absolutely precious. Bella, are you ready to go? I have someplace special in mind."

Edward made an exasperated sound in his throat and spun to face me. "Please, Bella. I'm begging you." He flung his arm out to point at his sister. "I can't control her."

I stared at him for a moment, disbelief and annoyance buzzing in my ears. Exactly what was he going to do? Pick me up and carry me away, kicking and screaming? If he wanted to be a free agent, then I could be a free agent, too. All I knew was that Edward Cullen was not going to keep me from Alice.

"You can't control me either," I said quietly. "Bye, Edward. I'll see you later."

Then I shouldered past him and got into the truck.

***

To be continued.

**Author's Note**: Aww, I heart Alice. She and Charlie are my favorite characters to write. Hope you enjoyed.

Cheers!  
Coquette


	5. Chapter 5

**Pain on Pain  
**Written by Coquette

**Chapter Five**

The burger consisted of two patties, four slices of cheese, several onion rings, and something that was an unearthly shade of green oozing out from the upper bun. I thought perhaps it might be guacamole, but it would take a braver person than me to know for sure.

I looked from my burger, up at Alice's face, then back at the burger again. "_This_ is the 'something special' you had in mind?"

We were at a local fast food joint, a hole-in-the-wall that Charlie often spoke of in reverent tones. It was the sort of place that made me yell at him if I found out he'd eaten there.

"Apparently it's the highest calorie meal in town," said Alice, eyeing the burger with as much distaste as I was. "Eat up now. Before it erodes the table. Besides, I don't want to look at it any longer than I have to."

"Then why did you order it for me?"

Something sad hovered on the edges of Alice's smile. "Well, I thought that much would be obvious, but you never were very self-aware, were you? You're so thin, Bella. Please eat something. Looking at you right now ... well, it hurts a little. I feel responsible."

"How are you responsible for that?"

Alice wasn't smiling anymore. She just shook her head in reply.

I picked up a French fry and nibbled on the end of it. "Better?"

She sighed. "Not remotely. I owe you an apology, Bella. I don't even know where to start."

"You don't owe me anything," I said, frowning. "I'm just really glad to see you, Alice. You have no idea."

"Oh, I have a pretty good idea. I usually do. But that doesn't negate the rest. So ... do you want the long version or the short?"

"Of what?"

"My apology and explanation, of course. You had to know that was where this was going."

"I thought we were just going to hang out," I said. "And you've already apologized, though I don't even know for what."

"For leaving without saying goodbye," she clarified. "Oh. And let's not forget the seven months of silence in between."

I looked down at my plate, uncomfortable under her repentant stare. I had never felt as though Alice owed me anything – but admittedly, I had been hurt by her actions. Not as much as Edward's had hurt me, but it was there all the same.

She blew her bangs upward with a gust of breath. "Okay. Here it goes. I'll give you the long version because I doubt Edward's told you anything about anything. You know why we left, right?"

I nodded slowly. How could I forget?

"I mean why we _really_ left," said Alice. "I know what Edward told you, but surely you didn't believe that. Anyway, I listened to him when he wanted to leave Forks, and I shouldn't have. To be honest, after watching my lover almost tear your throat out on your birthday, Edward was making a little more sense than usual.

"The thing is," she continued, "I've never been one-hundred percent certain if Edward is the best thing for you. You're very good for him, believe me – but I worry about your well-being, too. And ever since our family came into your life, you haven't exactly had an easy time of it. And Bella, just so you know, that's not going to end anytime soon. That's something you need to consider.

"What I'm trying to say is that I left because I thought separating you from our world was best for you. But I should have talked to you about this before I left. At least said goodbye. Edward begged me not to. He said it would make things worse – that a clean break was best. Believe me, I'm done listening to him. He gets a little crazy when it comes to you."

I traced a finger along the Coke glass in front of me, chasing a droplet of condensation down the side. "Not gonna lie, Alice," I whispered. "It kind of sucked when you just suddenly weren't there. In a big, big way."

"I know," she whispered back. "I saw some of it. Edward asked me not to keep an eye on you when we left, and at first I tried – but the visions came on their own whenever I started to miss you. I didn't interfere, mostly because I still wondered if Edward was right – that we were the cause of your problems and coming back would only make you feel a hundred times worse than you already did. And besides, whenever I saw you doing something reckless – like riding that silly motorcycle – I could see you wouldn't really get hurt.

"But when I saw you in that meadow and Laurent showed up – and I wasn't able to get to you in time – well, most of the family agreed we couldn't just leave you here unprotected anymore. We sort of ... forced Edward's hand." She sighed, and her smile returned. "That part was marvelous."

I stirred my drink with my straw, stomach too tied into knots to actually drink it. "Forced his hand how?"

"Well, after I saw Laurent confront you, I didn't know what to do because I never saw how that vision ended. You just sort of went blank on me." Alice waved a hand across her eyes as if she were blind. "When you suddenly popped back into my sight not long afterward, I saw that Laurent hadn't hurt you like he said he would. I couldn't make sense of it, but at least I knew you were alive and okay.

"I got the whole family on a conference call and told them what I had seen. Edward reacted in the usual way. Swearing, self-flagellation, shaking his fists at the heavens – _why, God, why_ – you know how he gets. After he was done, he said he wanted to check on you by himself, kill Laurent – but still stay away from you. He didn't want the rest of us anywhere near you either. He said this was the very thing he'd wanted to protect you from when we left -- the main reason he'd left you in the first place."

I frowned, wondering if Alice had her facts straight. Edward had left because he'd wanted to move on and didn't want me to come with him – not because he wanted to protect me.

"To make a long story short," she continued, "the rest of us disagreed with him. Carlisle finally put his foot down. He said that we had obviously left you with more trouble than we'd realized, and that it was our responsibility to make it right. Carlisle said he was moving back to Forks, and that the rest of us could come if we wanted. All of us agreed – all except Edward, that is.

"Don't get me wrong, Bella. Edward wanted to come back to you. He's crazy about you – literally. But the combination of worrying about you and worrying that we were all going to mess you up even more ... well, it really got to him. He fought with Carlisle for hours. Carlisle reluctantly agreed to try to keep ourselves as much out of your life as possible – that appeased Edward enough that he finally calmed down."

Alice shook her head. "I love my brother, Bella, but when it comes to you, he only sees things in black and white – and anything that has to do with you getting hurt is black as pitch. He thinks we're going to get you hurt, so right now, we're the bad guys to him."

I nodded to let her know I was listening, but I didn't really comprehend everything she was saying. A lot of it just didn't make sense, not when I remembered what Edward had told me last fall. "I'm sorry you're fighting over me," I said.

"Oh, trust me," said Alice, "we needed to fight. It aired out a lot of things, and I think it's going to be okay very soon. And it's good we came back. I saw some other things – other paths we could have gone down. It's for the best." She reached across the table to grab my hand and give it a squeeze. "Just remember, above all else, Edward loves you. He can be thick sometimes. Blind, even. But if you look deep into every single one of his actions, love is at the bottom of it. Just ... think about it, Bella. I think you might be shocked at what you discover."

I stared at her blankly.

She looked troubled as she studied my expression. "You don't believe a word of that, do you? That Edward loves you." She sighed and squeezed my hand again. "Oh, Bella. You're just as short-sighted as he is."

***

Alice and I spent the rest of the afternoon together.

We left the fast food restaurant (and the repulsive meal) behind and stopped by the local market instead. I grabbed some snacks and a bottle of juice to make her happy, and we drove my truck to a pullout on the highway where the trees were particularly pretty. We sat down on the tailgate of my truck to talk.

She told me what she'd been up to while she was away and about the rest of the family, too. I listened eagerly and stammered out awkward replies when she asked questions about me. Every now and then, she would bring up Edward -- make little comments about how much he cared about me -- but eventually she let the subject rest. I think she could read the disbelief on my face.

"He's lurking out there in the woods, by the way," said Alice, a knowing smirk on her face. "As if I wouldn't notice. Can you hear the theme from Jaws in your head, or is that just me? Oh, now I've done it. He heard me, and he's coming this way."

My stomach twisted nervously. I took a deep breath and turned to look, cheeks flushing when my eyes locked with Edward's. Would I ever get used to the sight of him? He emerged from the woods about fifty yards away and headed in our direction – obviously displeased, though perhaps not as angry as he'd been when Alice had kidnapped me after school. His eyes were unusually lackluster, and his bronze hair stood on end, as though he'd been running his fingers through it. I still wasn't used to him looking so disheveled.

"Oh – hello, Edward," said Alice. "Bella and I have been discussing how ridiculous you are. It was a very long conversation. I'm sure you heard most of it, though, didn't you?"

Edward glared at her. "Are you quite done? It'll be dark soon."

Alice laughed and hopped off of the tailgate, clapping her hands to dust them off. "Sorry, Edward. But Bella and I are far from done."

"You know what's in the forest," said Edward, pointing toward the trees. "We talked about this last night, Alice. I don't care if you can't see any danger. I don't like her so exposed out here."

"Yes, that must be why you're upset with me," said Alice sardonically. "No other reason at all..."

"Don't yell at Alice," I said to Edward. "You're not going to keep us from seeing each other. Just stop trying."

Edward opened his mouth to say something, but Alice took his hand before he could – then she took my hand as well. "Now, children. Let's all remember that we love one another and try to get along. Otherwise, if we don't, I foresee that we will all die horrible, fiery deaths. Are we clear?"

Edward narrowed his eyes at his sister. "You _are_ joking about the death part ... right?"

Alice batted her eyelashes at him sweetly. "Do you really want to test that theory? Just play nice, okay?" She turned to me. "Bella, do you want to come to the house tonight? Esme misses you so much. I'd know she'd be happy to see you. The others, too."

"Alice..." said Edward in warning.

Alice moved her fingers over her ears. "I'm sorry, Bella. There was this annoying buzzing sound in my ear – sort of like a fly that doesn't know when to stop – and I missed your response."

My eyes shifted from Alice's teasing grin to Edward's hard, disapproving scowl. Annoyance tugged at me. "I do want to see Esme and the rest of the family," I said. "And I definitely want to spend more time with you, too, Alice. A lot more time."

"But?" Alice prompted. "Oh. I see. You need some time alone with my brother to express your rage and frustration with him. That's understandable. We all have to do that from time to time. Well – I guess that's my cue to leave, then." She drew up short before she took the first step, however, and her eyes fluttered shut as if she was seeing a vision. Then she turned to Edward, a huge grin on her face. "You're going to lose this battle, by the way. Just so you know. Enjoy it, and try not to bruise her when you do."

***

"What do you suppose she meant by that?" I asked, hugging myself as I watched Alice skip off into the woods.

Edward exhaled sharply and muttered, "You don't want to know."

I glanced up at him, caught off guard by the look on his face. There was a bit of panic there – nervousness, even. "You saw her vision in her thoughts, didn't you?" I said.

Edward nodded and walked a few paces away from me, kicking pebbles out of his path. I had a feeling that was all he was going to tell me on the matter. That, too, bolstered my anger – and I didn't know what to do about it. I knew Alice had hinted that we needed to talk some things out, but I honestly just didn't know where to start.

"I should head back," I said, choosing the coward's route. "Charlie will be home soon. He worries if I'm out too late."

After sending another rock hurdling toward the trees, Edward nodded. "Good. I'll drive."

He held his hand out for my truck keys, but I didn't offer them. "I don't need a chauffeur. I can drive by myself, you know. I have a license and everything."

"It's not safe for you to be alone right now," Edward said quietly. "Humor me."

Remembering that I'd seen Laurent's crimson eyes less than four days ago, I couldn't exactly disagree with Edward's concerns. "You're worried Laurent is still out there, aren't you?"

Edward shook his head. "That's not what I meant. I'm not entirely sure if Laurent is still alive."

I blinked at him in surprise. "What do you mean?"

"I accompanied Carlisle into the woods last night. You know the place. There were ... remains. It was difficult to tell anything because of the recent rain, but I could pick up traces of some familiar scents. Scents I haven't detected in decades." Edward stared down into my face curiously. "Those wolves you saw – how big were they exactly?"

I shuddered. "Big enough."

"How many did you see?"

I told him.

Edward didn't speak for a long time after that.

Reluctantly, I handed over the keys, wincing when his smooth skin brushed against mine. He lagged a step behind me as I headed for the passenger side of my truck, and he opened the door for me when I got there. It was strange – being on the receiving end of his good manners – when things were so strained between us.

I waited until Edward slid into the driver's seat and started the ignition before I spoke again. "Are you going to tell me what's got you so worried?"

He shifted the truck into gear and guided my truck onto the highway – saying nothing.

"Because God forbid I actually know what's going on," I muttered. "Or think for myself. Lucky I have you around to do it for me."

Edward's fingers tightened on the steering wheel, then relaxed a moment later. "I guess I deserve that.

"I guess you do."

"You're angry with me. I guess I deserve that, too."

I sighed and pushed my hair away from my face. "I'm ... annoyed. I hate that you tried to keep your family away from me."

Another long moment of silence pressed between us almost like a physical presence. I watched him, seeing a million different emotions flash across his face. I didn't understand a single one of them.

Finally, he spoke, so softly I could barely hear him. "Bella, if I ever keep anything from you, or do anything that might _hurt_ you, it's only because I care about you and your well-being."

I frowned, confused by his words. "You're not my savior, Edward. And believe it or not, you can't control everything or shield me from every bad thing that may or may not befall me."

"So I'm learning," he said. "I'm sorry, Bella. It's very difficult for me when I feel out of control, especially when it comes to you. I feel like I'm grasping at strings, trying to keep fate at bay – trying to keep you safe and alive. And fate just laughs at me and does what it wants to."

I couldn't make heads or tails of anything he was saying, but the look on his face was enough to break my heart. He looked like he had no place that he really belonged, or like he'd lost something precious to him. That, and the hushed, broken sound of his voice, make a little bit of my anger leak away.

"What's wrong with you?" I whispered, wishing I had the courage to reach out and touch him. "Why are you so sad?"

Edward chuckled – a bitter sound that made my heart twist – but he didn't reply.

I stared at him, trying and failing to figure him out. Alice's words rang in my ears.

_Just remember, above all else, Edward loves you._

_If you look deep into every single one of his action, love is at the bottom of it. Just ... think about it, Bella._

I turned in my seat, looked straight ahead, and did as Alice had suggested. I thought about it.

I thought about his cheerless mood, his unkempt appearance, his anger over my own less-than-healthy appearance. I thought about that first day I'd seen him in the rain when he'd kneeled before me, his lips pressed against my hair, his hands gripping my arms as if he wanted to pull me inside of him. I thought about the way he'd touched my wrist today in class and stared at it like he'd been the one that had given me the scar. I thought about the look on his face in the cafeteria, when my friends were talking about what I had been like with him gone. I thought about the look on his face now – the pained longing in his eyes – as he pretended he wasn't stealing glances at me.

But then I thought about the day he left me – about everything he'd said to me – and none of the rest mattered.

I almost could pretend Edward still loved me, if I twisted it all around to my benefit. But he didn't. He wouldn't have left if he did. When I remembered that awful day, remembered how he'd said I wasn't good for him, it hit me hard – a death blow to what little control I had over my emotions. I shut my eyes against the hurt and tried not to cry.

Not now, not in front of him.

The ride lasted too long, but though my tears were close to brimming over, I somehow held them back. Eventually, the house came into view. I unbuckled my seatbelt to get out before we even hit the driveway.

Edward put the truck's gear into park and caught my hand before I could slip out of the door. "What happened back there?" he asked, his tone anxious. "I said something, and you took it badly. I hate that I don't know what you're thinking. Tell me, Bella."

"It wasn't anything you said. It was something Alice said." I paused – waited. "I need my arm back, please."

Edward stared at me for a moment longer, his face alarmed at whatever he saw in mine. Then he released me.

I got out of the truck quickly, but he was quicker. I started for the house, marching past him without saying a word. Then I stopped – changed my mind – and marched back toward him. "Edward?" I said, voice shaking. "Why did you leave Forks last September?"

His expression darkened a shade. "I..." He trailed off and looked away. "We talked about this when I left."

"I want to hear you say it again," I pressed. "I want you to tell me why." Even as I said the words, I felt the sudden desire to laugh hysterically at myself. This was insanity, masochism at its finest.

Edward seemed to waver in place where he stood. He shook his head back and forth slowly. "Don't ask me to do that."

"Why not? You didn't have a problem with it seven months ago. You seemed pretty matter-of-fact about it, actually."

He didn't speak – didn't even blink.

"Just tell me you don't love me," I choked out, tears finally spilling over onto my cheeks. "I know you don't. I just need to hear you say it again so I can stop kidding myself."

I put my hand over my mouth, face crumpling with an overwhelming wave of emotion.

Edward reacted instantly – his entire demeanor melting from ice into liquid within the span of a second. "God, Bella. Don't ... _please_. I can't stand seeing you hurt like this."

He started for me, two long strides closing the distance between us.

I was ready to turn away, but suddenly his hands were touching my face, cool thumbs wiping away the burning tears, lips pressing a kiss to my temple. I gasped as he pulled me against his chest and held me tight, one hand cradling the back of my head. My body reacted instantly – I melted into him, buried my face in his chest, and cried. The harder the sobs came, the tighter he held me – solid, keeping me on firm ground as I all but lost it.

Once he'd started moving, he seemed unable to stop. His hands caressed me, cradled me. And he kept saying something. Whispering it over and over again as he kissed my hair, my cheeks, my eyelids.

I started crying fresh tears when I realized it was, "I love you."

***

**Author's Note**: *rubs chest directly over heart* Oh, ouch. Some of that actually hurt me to write.

Dearest, sweetest reviewers, I am so sorry I'm behind in replying. Sometimes I get so into my writing, the time just ticks by before I know it. Please know I read and cherished every single word, and it means the world to me that you took the time to let me know you enjoyed the story. _Thank you._ Really. I'll do better this time, I swear!

Two more chapters to go, I think. Three tops.

See you soon,  
-Coquette


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note**: Several of you have asked if Jacob is going to make an appearance in this story. He is, but I want Bella and Jacob's relationship to end up much the same way it did in _New Moon_ -- and if you recall, it didn't end very amicably. (Sorry, my Team Jacob bbs. It's seriously nothing against the studly Mr. Black. If it helps, remember that they reconcile in _Eclipse_.)

***

**Pain on Pain  
**Written by Coquette

**Chapter Six**

I'd forgotten little things -- like how our bodies fit together so effortlessly.

He wasn't as tall as I remembered. I kept expecting him to tower over me ... like Jacob. But if Edward were any taller, my head wouldn't fit so perfectly into the nook between his chin and his chest – my own personal shelter.

Edward's hands moved down the length of my back, soothing me, handling me like I was something precious to him. And he kept saying those words -- repeating them like a mantra -- whispering them in my ear, breathing them on my skin.

_I love you._

I soaked it up -- a withered flower left too long without care – but to be completely honest, deep down I didn't believe him. It had never made sense for Edward to feel that way about me. I thought perhaps he was just saying that he loved me to help quiet my tears, but it felt good to hear the lie all the same.

He shifted our position and pulled my face away from his chest to hold it between his hands. He pressed a kiss to my cheek, so close to my lips that I couldn't help but sigh his name. The sound of my voice seemed to excite him, set him into motion again, and he dipped his face down to the side of my neck so that he could breathe in the scent there.

_Was this really happening?_

I felt light-headed, like I was slipping out of my own body. I gripped handfuls of his shirt to ground myself. He moved his lips across my neck until they were resting directly over the pulse, right at the vulnerable base of my throat. "God, Bella, I want you so bad, I can't think," he whispered hoarsely.

Then he kissed me there, on the hollow of my throat – open-mouthed and wet.

Immediately, something vital shifted in the mood of our embrace.

Our faces came together, both uncertain, imploring. His eyes were wide, inhuman, almost feral -- but they sought permission. I leaned forward a millimeter, and that's all the encouragement he needed. He weaved his fingers in my hair and brought his lips to mine.

The world slid away until all that remained was him.

As amazing as it felt, somehow the kiss made the longing inside of me worse. Like fire trying to quench fire.

I had never been kissed like that. There was an urgency behind his movements -- a desperation that had me gasping and flailing to keep up. He didn't hurt me, but it wasn't gentle either. I was overcome. Euphoric. Terrified. I knew nothing, only that I never wanted it to end.

Edward lifted me off of the ground and held tight me against his chest with one arm, his other hand still in my hair. He angled my head to the side, parted my lips with his tongue, and deepened our kiss immeasurably. More fuel on the raging fire. I moaned against his mouth, feeling myself lose control of my senses.

The wind was suddenly in my hair, whistling in my ears, and I felt the overwhelming tug of acceleration on my body. Like a rollercoaster shooting off from a standstill.

The kiss never broke, but I opened my eyes to see what had happened. Edward had carried me into the house in a mere second. A second after that he had me up the stairs and in my bedroom.

He slammed the door shut behind us and carried me to the bed.

***

"Bells?" I heard Charlie call from downstairs. "You here?"

Edward's body, which had been on top of mine, was suddenly gone. I blinked, astonished, and looked about the room. He had vanished without a trace.

Charlie's footfalls sounded on the stairs. They were urgent, like something was wrong. I nearly fell off of the bed as I stumbled onto my feet.

"Bella? Answer me."

"Up here, dad," I called out shakily, running my hands over my body to smooth out my clothes. That was when I realized I wasn't wearing as many clothes as I had been two minutes ago.

I stared at myself the mirror in shock. My cheeks were bright red -- lips, too. My shirt was unbuttoned to the waist and pushed off of my shoulders, where it pooled at the buttoned cuffs at my wrists. I was still wearing my bra, but the skin on my neck and chest was peppered all over with red marks from Edward's kisses. I also had what my mother would have referred to as _sex hair_.

You had to give Edward one thing. He was certainly efficient.

Charlie was closing in on the door, and I rushed to lock it before he could enter. As I tugged my shirt back into place and fumbled with the buttons, he tried the doorknob.

"Bells? You okay? Why is your door locked?"

"I'm fine, dad. Just changing."

His tone shifted instantly. "Oh. Um. Sorry. It's just that the front door was wide open. And there's a chair knocked over in the living room. Looks like a tornado blew through. I thought something might be wrong."

I flushed. "Sorry, dad. I was in a hurry, I guess. I'll be more careful."

"Why were you in a hurry? You going somewhere? Bella, open the door."

I smoothed my shirt into place, ran fingers through my wild hair, and unlocked the door. Charlie came in and looked around suspiciously. When he saw the empty room, he relaxed a fraction, but his eyes were still sharp as he took in my appearance. "You're blushing," he accused. "You never blush. Not since..." He leaned in closer. "No, not blushing. You've been crying. Your face is all blotchy."

I looked away. Charlie was correct on both counts -- blushing and crying. "Please, dad. I've had a really long day."

"It was _him_, wasn't it? Figures. That boy can't handle giving you a moment of peace. Gotta stir things up the second he gets into town. He didn't come here, did he?"

My eyes widened before I could stop them, and I prayed he didn't notice. "That's unlikely, isn't it?"

Charlie grunted. "Well ... if he knows what's good for him, he better not. I don't like the way he plays with your head. Do your homework, kid. Don't want you going anywhere tonight with that goofy look on your face. I'll be downstairs watching the game."

I watched him tromp down the stairs, keeping my eye on him until I saw the light from the television come on. Then I closed my bedroom door and leaned heavily on it.

I could feel my pulse pounding in my lips – and in every other place Edward had kissed me. I put trembling fingers to my lips and felt how raw and swollen they were.

_Oh, my..._

I blinked and suddenly Edward was standing on the other side of the room, as far away from me as he could get. I didn't hear him before I saw him, so his sudden appearance startled me.

Neither one of us moved or even spoke -- but the looks on our faces said everything.

I was beyond stunned.

Edward was stunned as well. And absolutely panicked.

It was obvious he regretted what had just happened. He had his hand over his mouth -- as if the entire situation was the fault of his lips, and he was intent on keeping them in line. He bore a striking resemblance to the speak-no-evil monkey – only with _sex hair_ that matched mine.

When he finally uncovered his mouth, his words came out in a jumbled mess. "Bella. Sweetheart. I am _so sorry_. I just ... you were ... _so soft._" He raked his fingers through his sex hair."And warm! And I haven't touched or kissed you in so long, and I lost control. It was a mistake. I didn't hurt you, did I?"

He hadn't, but I wasn't coherent enough to reply. I shook my head dumbly instead. Then I took a step toward him, anxious to pick up where we'd left off, and he took a step away from me.

I stopped, and my gaze fell to the ground. Oh. It was like that. A mistake, just like he'd said.

He held up an imploring finger. "That's ... not a good idea. Not so soon. I can't..." He looked away. "It won't happen again. I shouldn't let myself lose control around you like that. It's dangerous. I'm sorry. I love you more than anything in the world, Bella, and I-"

"Stop," I said, cutting him off, "saying that. Just _stop_. Do you even mean it, or is it just lip service to make you feel better about this whole mess?"

Edward let his hand drop to his side. "Of course, I meant it. Why would I lie about that?"

"Precisely what I was wondering," I said. "Because you either lied to me back in September, or you're lying to me now. Which is it, Edward?"

He fell silent again – evasive and distant like before – and that was enough to push me over the edge. I could handle it if he told me one way or the other. But this constant back and forth was torture.

"Leave," I said quietly.

Edward blinked at me, obviously caught off-guard. "You want me to...?"

"Go," I confirmed, gesturing toward the window. The hurt look that registered on his face compelled me to clarify because I couldn't stand seeing him like that. "Please. I'm sorry, Edward. I'm angry, and I'm trying so hard not to blow up at you. I need to think. Process. Calm down. Just go, please."

Edward stared at me a moment longer -- then he nodded and approached me cautiously. Bending down, he kissed me on the forehead. "I told you that first day I was back that I would only stay around unless you asked me to go. I'll always give you space if that's what you need."

***

I was in a mood the next morning.

I didn't sleep a bit that night, especially with Charlie checking on me every twenty minutes. Instead, I stayed up and thought about Edward.

_Mouth open against mine, hard body pressing me down into the mattress, hips moving between my thighs, hands worrying at my clothes._

Really. How was I expected to sleep after that?

So I paced and chewed my nails down to the quick -- but no matter how I tried to spin the situation, I couldn't make sense of it. Edward was full of contradictions, his actions going completely against his words to me last fall. That in and of itself was enough to incense me.

I felt like I had emotional whiplash.

As much as I had enjoyed having him in my bed -- okay, that was a bit of an understatement -- I was still angry. His rapid backpedaling had hurt, especially when he'd been so quick to call the whole thing a mistake. Not to mention his inability to be completely honest with me. What was I supposed to do with that?

It didn't help that Edward had actually been sweet last night -- so sweet and attentive it made my heart hurt.

And beautiful. God, he was pretty.

But even that made me angry. How dare he seduce me with his pretty words and his pretty face, turn all of my assumptions around on me, then call it a mistake and push me away.

I was running late to school, compliments of my mood and lack of sleep. I hurried outside to my truck, opened the door, and threw my bag inside with a huff. If I couldn't take my anger out on Edward, at least I could afford myself a little road-rage.

"Hey now," said a voice from behind me. "What did that truck ever do to you?"

I wheeled around. Jacob Black was standing by the end of the truck-bed, hands buried in his pockets. He wasn't smiling.

Surprised, I skidded on the driveway but somehow managed to keep my balance. "Jake," I gasped.

It was beyond good to see him. My best friend, the person who had loved some life back into me when I was so unlovable. I took a step toward him, ready to throw my arms around his neck -- if I could manage to reach that high -- but he backed away. I drew up short, feeling the sting of rejection acutely. It seemed as though everyone was doing that lately -- backing away from me.

I tried to keep the hurt out of my tone, afraid he would leave. "H-how are you? Are you okay?"

He shrugged dismissively, and I could see from the tired look on his face that he wasn't okay. Worry tugged at the pit of my stomach.

"More or less," he said. I barely recognized his voice when he talked to me like that -- like I had betrayed him somehow. "I came because you called. A lot. And you should probably stop doing that."

I stared at him, not understanding. "Why would I stop calling you? I care about you, Jake. I've missed you so much."

His face softened a little -- a very little. "I don't think we can be friends anymore, Bella."

I started to tremble, tears stinging the corners of my eyes. Why, why, why did this scene remind me of another?

"But ... why?" I asked. "What did I do wrong? Tell me, and I'll apologize and try to make it better."

"You'll be fine," he said bitterly. "Especially now that your boyfriend's back."

My mouth fell open, shocked. "Edward Cullen is _not_ my boyfriend. And if that's why you're mad, then that's just _stupid_. I thought our friendship meant more to you than that."

Jacob's eyes shone bright in the morning sun. "Not your boyfriend, huh? So I guess you gave yourself that hickey. Impressive. I didn't realize you were so flexible."

My hand went to my neck, and I tugged on my shirt collar to hide the mark. "Real mature, Jake."

"I'm not here to fight with you. And I'm not walking away because of _him_. Date who you want. I've got other stuff I have to deal with." His voice was full of sudden animosity, and I wasn't entirely sure it was aimed at me. Something had him upset – something he didn't want to tell me.

"Are you at least going to tell me why?" I pleaded. Then I remembered something. "It's that Sam Uley, isn't it? He finally got to you."

Jacob was instantly defensive, and I knew I was right. "It's not... I can't..." He trailed off, looking angry and frustrated. It was as if he literally couldn't choke out what he wanted to say. Finally, he put together a coherent string of words. "Look, I can't talk about this, Bella. I just can't, okay? _Really_. Can you accept that?"

I shook my head. "Accept that you want to ditch me without a reason? Go off and join Sam Uley's gang? No. I can't. I care about you too much, Jake."

Jacob sighed, looking miserable -- like he wanted to be anywhere else but here, talking to me. "I'm sorry. I don't know what else to tell you. Believe me, I wish things were different, but they're out of my control. Look, I have to go. The others are waiting for me. But before I do, I need you to tell Edward something for me. A message from us to all the _Cullens_." He said the name like it was a curse word. "Tell them we remember the treaty and that they should, too, if they know what's best for them. We're watching our borders."

"You're not making a bit of sense," I said, still shaking my head in denial. I was close to tears. "Don't do this, Jake."

Jacob ground his teeth. "Tell him this, too. Tell him that if he ever lays a finger on you – hurts you in anyway -- I don't give a rat's ass about any treaty. He better watch his back. Bye, Bella."

"Jacob..." I stared in disbelief at his retreating form. "Jacob, please!"

He didn't turn around.

***

Perfect.

My loved ones were dropping like flies. First Edward, and now I'd lost Jacob, too. I had no idea why. Was I really that unlovable?

I didn't remember driving to school, but I must have because the next thing I was aware of was the sound of my shoes hitting the gravel in the parking lot. I walked to class like a zombie, too shocked to hear anything anyone said to me.

Edward wasn't in his seat in first period, which I didn't find odd until the bell rang. The teacher took a roll call, his bushy eyebrows raised when he noted that Edward wasn't present.

I stared at the door -- waiting for it to open and for him to rush in. Where was he?

Class started, the seconds on the clock ticking by almost mockingly. Edward never showed -- to that class or any other that morning.

It frightened me. Really and truly scared me -- especially when I saw that Alice was missing from her table in the cafeteria.

The words Edward had spoken to me last night rang in my ears.

_I told you that first day I was back that I would only stay around unless you asked me to go._

Stunned, I stopped walking, right in the middle of the lunch-line.

Oh, God. I had thought he meant that he would leave me alone for the night -- but he hadn't meant he was going to leave Forks again, did he? Had I gone too far in pushing him away?

After our turbulent encounter last night, I couldn't be sure. Perhaps my reaction to Edward's absence from school was irrational, but my emotions were too raw to handle the doubt. First the situation with Jacob, so eerily similar to that breakup last fall -- now this. There was no way I was going to be able to finish out the day without knowing for sure.

I backed out of the lunch-line, dug around in my pockets for my keys, and walked out of the building.

***

Instinct alone helped me locate the Cullen house. I was upset and having trouble thinking straight, but somehow I found the pull-off. I felt a small amount of relief when I saw that the garage door was open, several cars visible inside. Someone was here. But that didn't mean he was, or that he wasn't planning to leave and simply hadn't had the chance yet.

As I got out of my truck, the front door opened, and Edward stepped from the house. "Bella?" he called, coming into the yard. The small amount of sun peeking out through the trees turned his hair a vibrant shade of bronze. "What are you doing here? Why aren't you at school?"

I exhaled in relief when I saw him -- but started shaking with anger a second later. "I should be asking you that," I said. "What, no goodbye this time? No kiss on the forehead? _Take care of yourself, Bella._"

A few more strides and Edward was in front of me, his face alarmed as he read the anger upon mine. "What are you talking about?" he asked cautiously. "Are you all right?"

"You're leaving again, aren't you?" I said, gesturing toward the garage. "Probably rounding up the troops as we speak, packing up the cars to make a quick getaway."

Edward's lips parted, the look on his face difficult to read. "Bella..."

"I asked you to leave last night because I needed time to think."

"I realize th-"

"Not because I wanted you to _leave_-leave!" I said, cutting him off. "I swear -- you make me so mad sometimes, I just want to _throw things_."

I looked around, snatched up a pinecone, and lobbed it at him -- unsatisfied when it merely glanced off of his shoulder. So I threw another. And another. As many as I could find. Most of them missed -- and none of them would ever hurt him, of course -- but it felt good all the same.

I heard laughter and turned to see where it came from.

"Hey, Bella!"

I followed the sound and saw Emmett waving from an upstairs balcony. Jasper and Esme were there as well -- Jasper doubled over with laughter, and Esme covering her mouth to hide her amusement. Her eyes sparkled at me fondly.

"You should throw something bigger if you really want to hurt him," called Emmett. "Like your truck. Want Jasper and me to lend a hand?"

My eyes shifted to Edward's face. He'd stood there the whole time, patient and unmoving, as I'd pelted him. Now he had pinecone seeds in his hair, and I felt terrible.

My face crumpled. "I don't want to hurt you," I whispered, fists clenching into little balls. "I love you."

Jasper and Emmett both chorused, "_Aww_..." as they hung over the balcony.

Edward exhaled and shook his head, obviously annoyed with his brothers. He started for me, and placing a hand on the small of my back, led me away from the house -- and hopefully out of earshot of his family.

We stopped beneath a cover of trees, and Edward put his hands on my shoulders, leaning in close. "Sweetheart," he said, "the sun is out today."

I stared at him, trembling, trying not to cry. "What?"

"The sun," he repeated patiently. "It's shining. My skin, sparkling. Alice and I couldn't come to school today because of it. That's all. No one was planning to leave."

I stared up at him wordlessly. Then I looked around and noticed the little patches of sunlight all around us -- the way his skin seemed to shatter into rainbow prisms where the light touched him. All the pieces fell into place.

"Oh," I whispered, looking anywhere but at him. I felt foolish, stupid. I tried to turn away, but he wouldn't release my shoulders. "I'm sorry. I just ... last night I told you to leave. And then I got scared that you really did. I shouldn't have lost my temper like that."

Edward opened his mouth to say something.

"Just let me get this out, okay?" I pleaded. "It's so hard to say what I'm feeling when you're around. I get so happy to see you that I forget why I'm angry. And then later, I'm left with all that anger still inside of me, and I don't know what to do with it all. Please."

Edward squeezed my shoulders and then released me. "Just let it out," he said, backing away a few steps to give me some space. "Say what you need to say. I don't like seeing you like this."

Half of his face was shrouded in shadow, the other half glittering like diamonds from the sun. The dichotomy wasn't lost on me.

"I just don't understand you," I started, each word like poison leaking from my veins. I had to get it out of my system if I was going to heal. "I don't understand how you can be so loving one moment, then so cold the next. I don't understand how you could be the type of person who would risk your life to save mine from James, and then abandon me only a few months later. And Edward, I don't understand anything that's happened since you came back. Not one second of it. Like why after so many months apart, you suddenly show up again -- or why you would tell me you loved me after you convinced me you didn't." I shook my head, tears spilling over onto my cheeks. "God. I can't think with you _sparkling at me_."

I turned my back on him, swiping tears from my cheeks. "Jacob came over this morning," I continued. "Jacob Black. I don't know if you know who he is, but he took care of me while you were gone. And this morning, he ditched me. Just up and left -- said we couldn't be friends anymore without an explanation or anything. And it all came pouring back to me like it was yesterday -- that day when you left. I'm angry, Edward. I'm pissed off. What you did was wrong. I don't care if you love me or not -- you don't treat people like that. You don't pretend to care and then walk away, hoping it all fixes itself. It hurt, Edward. It hurt so bad, I didn't know what to do with it all. And then, seven months later, you just show up again -- all beautiful and sparkly. And you keep telling me things and doing thing that confuse me and mess with my head. And you gave me a hickey! I mean ... how am I supposed to hide that?"

I sniffled and hugged myself. "It wasn't right, Edward -- and it's not okay. But I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lose my temper like this, and I didn't mean to throw things at you. That wasn't right either. All I know is that I love you. I love you so much, it makes me irrational. And maybe that's what this whole mess is really about. Love making us irrational.

"I think I need to go now. I said what I needed to say. Got it all out. I think I'm going to be okay. And you don't have to follow me, Edward. I know you have a good heart, and I don't want you to feel obligated to be with me just because I'm upset and crying. The months I spent with you were the best of my life. I love you, and I can't believe how lucky I was to have you for even a second. I will always love you, but it wouldn't be real love if I wasn't willing to let you go if that was what you wanted. So I don't want you to follow me. I want you to think about what's best for you, without me here messing with _your_ head. Once you figure that out, just let me know – one way or the other."

***

To be concluded.

**Author's Note:** Haha, so much raaage in this chapter. And flying pinecones -- we mustn't forget those. Don't worry. I think she got it all out of her system.

One more chapter, bbs. Up soon, I hope. Thanks for reading.

Cheers!  
Coquette


	7. Chapter 7 & Epilogue

**Author's Note:** Sorry about the delay. I didn't want to post while the site was having technical difficulties.

***

**Pain on Pain**  
Written by Coquette

**Chapter Seven**

When I got home, the first thing I did was wash my face.

I scrubbed the residual tears from my cheeks and didn't shed anymore. The hot water felt so good on my skin that I stripped my clothes off and got into the shower. I breathed in the steam and let the hot water relax away months of tension.

I took my time. Washed my hair. Found some nice smelling soap that Renée had sent me last Christmas. Pampered myself a little. It was time to start taking care of myself. Do things for me. With or without Edward Cullen.

When I emerged from the bathroom an hour later, my hair dried and neatly combed, I crawled into bed and slept.

***

The numbers on my alarm clock were the next thing I was aware of – numbers that didn't make a bit of sense. I couldn't decide if it was eight in the evening or eight in the morning. I rolled over and yawned, stretching until my toes curled. It took my fuzzy brain a few minutes, but I finally deduced from the elongated shadows in the room that it was evening. Outside, the sun had set. I had slept the afternoon away.

The house was cold, empty – but outside I heard the sound of a car door slamming. A moment later, keys rattled, and the front door opened and closed.

Charlie called up the stairs that he was home.

I sighed when I heard his voice. I'd forgotten to make dinner for him. But that wasn't the only thing bothering me. When I'd heard the car door slam, part of me had hoped it was Edward, coming to talk to me. Part of me had even hoped I might wake up to find him in my bedroom.

I took a speculative look around the room – but no, he wasn't there. My pillow smelled like him, though, and that made my heart hurt a little.

I buried my face in the pillow and lingered in bed, thinking. I'd told Edward to take some time apart from me to think about what he wanted, so it shouldn't surprise me that he would actually listen. But I still wanted him to come. I wanted to know where we stood.

And I missed him. Now that I'd gotten all of that anger out of me, I just really and truly missed him. I wanted to see him. Talk to him. Find out if he was okay. But whether or not that would ever happen was out of my control. I had to let it go.

I sat up in bed and ran my fingers through the tangles of my hair. I felt lighter. Relaxed. Not happy, exactly. But ... more at peace than I'd been in a long time.

Charlie rapped his knuckles on my bedroom door, and he poked his head in. "You asleep, kid?"

"Just waking up from a nap," I said. "Sorry about dinner. I conked out and forgot."

"Don't worry about it," said Charlie, rubbing the back of his neck. "I, uh, sort of already ate. Brought you something home if you're hungry."

"Oh, okay. Thanks."

Charlie cleared his throat, shifting on his feet like he was uncomfortable. It struck me that he didn't typically come to my room when he got home, especially if I was napping or otherwise busy. And he rarely hovered. Something was up with him.

"Everything okay, dad?" I asked.

Charlie rested a hand on the door jamb but didn't speak for several minutes. "Had an interesting conversation over dinner. Why don't you come downstairs and get something to eat. We'll talk about it."

I frowned. "Is it bad news? You don't look happy."

Charlie threw his hands up like he didn't know one way or the other. "Not sure, Bells. Think that decision is gonna be your call. Come down when you're ready."

***

Charlie left me alone so that I could change out of the clothes I'd slept in. But I was curious as to what had him in such a strange mood, so I dressed and brushed my hair in a hurry.

"Dad?" I called as I clomped down the stairs.

"In here." His voice came from the kitchen.

I found Charlie in front of the microwave – about to blow it up. He had dished out some food for me but had left a fork on the plate when he put it in the microwave. Sparks flew. Charlie cursed and started pressing every button on the display -- which of course, only made things worse.

I smirked and helped him locate the problem. "You distracted or something?"

"Or something," he grunted, throwing the slightly smoking fork into the sink. He restarted the microwave, then turned and went in search of a beer in the refrigerator.

While my food heated up, I noticed that there was a new message on the answering machine. I hit the button, and a familiar voice spoke through the small speaker.

"Bella, it's Jacob."

I stiffened – waited.

Charlie's head popped up from behind the refrigerator door. "Was wondering where that kid was."

"Look," continued Jacob's message. "I'm sorry how all that went down this morning. I really am. I didn't want to just ... I mean, it's not like I had a choice, you know? I'll try to explain later. I can't promise anything, but I'm really gonna try. Just ... be careful, okay? And take care of yourself. I'll talk to you as soon as I can manage it. Bye, Bella."

Take care of myself?

"Already on it, Jake," I muttered as I deleted the message.

But then I smiled – because the last thing I wanted was to lose Jacob as a friend. The message had given me hope that there was bigger story behind that scene this morning. Still, the jerk had better get ready to do some apologizing. I'd had it with emotional tug-a-wars.

Charlie twisted the cap off of a bottle of beer. "What was that all about? You two have a fight or something?"

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Or something," I said, turning his earlier words back on him.

"Don't be cute. I'm in a mood."

"I noticed. I'm not in trouble, am I?"

"Why? You done anything bad I should know about?"

"_Dad_."

Charlie wrinkled his nose. Then he leaned in close and sniffed at me, a disapproving look on his face. "You smell like a girl. You dolled up for a reason? What is that -- perfume?"

I blinked, completely baffled by his mood. "Um. Soap, actually. Are you ever going to tell me what's going on?"

Charlie heaved a dramatic sigh -- then drank half of his beer in a single go. "Edward Cullen came and talked to me today."

My heartbeat faltered for a second, and then started a rapid accelerando. Something warm blossomed in the base of my stomach. It might have been hope – but it was definitely nervousness.

To our right, the microwave beeped. We both ignored it.

"We talked over dinner and a beer," Charlie continued. "Well, I had a beer, and he watched me drink it. He told me some things. Explained some things that needed explaining. And I think you'd be proud of your old man because I only threatened him with my firearm once."

I closed my eyes and groaned quietly.

"But it meant a lot that he would come to me like that. Present himself, so to speak. Apologize." Charlie scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Kid even had on a tie. Can you believe that? I barely wanted to sit next to him, I was so embarrassed. Still, he was trying real hard. I didn't want to give in, Bella. I wanted to drag him down the highway with my police cruiser -- you know, by that stupid tie of his. But he had this _look_ on his face." Charlie trailed off, a sadness finding its way to his eyes. "It reminded me of my face after your mother left. God knows, I understand what it's like to lose something you love. And I really do think that kid loves you, Bella. Dumb-shit that he is, I have to admit that much."

Color stained my cheeks, and I looked away.

"You should probably know he's waiting outside to talk to you," said Charlie. "I told him you might not want to see him, and he said that's fine. But if you do, he's out there."

My heart twisted, nervousness and excitement leaving me breathless. _Edward was here_. On my porch. He'd actually come. I wanted to go out to meet him immediately, but the troubled look on Charlie's face made me hesitate. "Are you going to be disappointed in me if I go?"

Charlie took another long drink from his beer. "Let's put it this way. If your mom had shown up on my doorstep months after she left, I would have taken her in in a second. Asked questions later. So no, baby girl -- I won't be disappointed in you. But I want you to guard yourself this time, you hear? Because I can't watch you go through something like that again. I think a second round might do your old man in."

I put my arms around Charlie's neck and buried my face in his warm chest. "I love you, dad."

"Oh, kid," he sighed, patting my back awkwardly. "You have no idea."

***

Charlie walked me to the front door, arm around my shoulders.

On the moonlit porch, I found Edward, looking like he wasn't certain if he was welcome or not. His hair was wild, his eyes guarded. And bless him, he _was_ wearing a tie – but it was loose like he'd been tugging on it nervously. Though dressed up, he looked every bit as rumpled as he did before, his button-up shirt untucked, the sleeves pushed up past his elbows. In my eyes, he'd never looked more beautiful. Still, it amazed me that someone so strong and impervious could appear so achingly vulnerable at times.

I gave him a little smile -- and when he returned it, the hint of sweetness in his eyes made me want to wrap my arms around his middle and squeeze.

Charlie stepped between us and got right up in Edward's face. "I'm watching you, kid. I find out you hurt her? Well ... I'll just let you finish that threat with your imagination. Whatever you come up with, multiply it by _fire_."

"Yes, sir," said Edward, nodding. "And thank you." He held out his hand to shake with Charlie.

Charlie looked down at the outstretched hand, incredulity obvious in his expression. "Too soon, son." And then, muttering under his breath, he walked back into the house and shut the door.

Edward and I were left staring at each other.

And my heart was about to thump out of my chest.

I flushed and tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "Sorry about my dad."

"Don't be," said Edward. "He only cares about you." He studied my face for a long moment, so beautiful standing there with the moonlight in his hair, I couldn't help but wonder if he was real or not. "You look like you're feeling better."

I shrugged and crossed my arms over my chest. "I do feel better. Got some sleep. I'm still tired, but it helped."

"If you're tired, I'll make this quick, then." Edward held out his hand to me.

I drew in a breath and kept it there.

At first, I wasn't certain why I hesitated to accept his hand, but it eventually occurred to me that I was afraid of what he was about to tell me. This could be a repeat of our breakup for all I knew. But I had asked for this talk, hadn't I?

I let the breath I was holding ease out of my lungs. It left my throat dry, aching. "Where are we going?" I asked.

"Just out a ways," said Edward, hand still extended toward me. "Charlie's listening at the door. And I'd like to show you something. Will you come?"

Reluctantly, I held out my hand and let him take it within his own. Drawing closer to me, he squeezed my hand and stared down at me with those eyes that made me forget things.

I was scared to death. But I followed him.

***

Hand in hand, Edward led me toward the woods. Overhead, a smear of stars spanned the sky, and the moon blazed on the horizon. But once we stepped under the canopy of trees, we lost every bit of light.

I couldn't see after that, but I trusted that Edward wouldn't let anything happen to me. He guided me around every obstacle, his arm coming around my middle if I needed a little extra help. I knew he could hear the way my heart thudded when his fingers curled around my waist, lingered on the small of my back, but he never mentioned it.

I squinted in the gloom and saw a dim, flickering glow up ahead, lighting up the trees like a ghostly movie was playing in the distance. When we drew near, I saw a small clearing in the trees. There was a blanket stretched out on the ground. In the middle of the blanket, strangely enough, was a single chair. Candles peppered the ground, shielded by glass containers that wouldn't cause a fire if they tipped over.

The candles in particular made me uncertain. They made the entire scene appear romantic, but I didn't want to read more into the situation than absolutely necessary. That was dangerous.

As I stared at the clearing, something tugged at my memory bank. I stumbled to a halt, suddenly unwilling to take another step. I realized that it was the exact same place where Edward had broken up with me. I looked up at him, and I'm sure he could tell from the look on my face that I wasn't happy with his choice of location.

"I don't mean to bring up bad memories," he explained. "I'm trying to give you new ones -- better ones -- to replace the old. Will you trust me?"

I hesitated, wavering on my feet. "I want to trust you."

It was the only answer I had. I didn't know if I trusted him. Not with this, anyway.

He didn't push me. But as I stared up into his eyes, wreathed in fire from the light of the candles, I could see that he wanted this very much. That was probably the only thing that encouraged me to go along with it. After all, he'd listened to me earlier this afternoon -- even after I'd thrown things at him like a child. The least I could do was allow him to do whatever it was he had in mind.

I took another deep breath and nodded my consent. We sidestepped the candles, and Edward guided me toward the chair, indicating that I should sit in it.

"Why is there only one chair?" I asked, feeling a bit strange.

"I didn't want you to be uncomfortable while I talked," said Edward. "There's so much to say." Then to my surprise, he got down on both of his knees in front of me and enclosed my hands between his.

I shook my head, embarrassed. "Edward, why are you...? You really don't have to do that."

Edward didn't appear to have heard me. Eyes closed, he brought my hands to his lips and held them there for a long time. His cool breath weaved between my fingers, tickled every nerve ending of my skin, until I could barely sit still.

"I'm sorry."

The words were spoken so softly, I barely heard them over the quiet stirring of leaves overhead.

Edward lifted his chin up, my hands still cupped between his, but he didn't look at me. He shook his head as if something had agitated him. "All I've thought about this afternoon is how inadequate that phrase is -- _I'm sorry_ -- but it's all I can say right now. I don't have any excuse for my actions. I have reasons, but I can't claim any real justification in them. So I'm left with nothing but an insipid apology. I messed up, Bella, and I'm so sorry."

I freed one of my hands and brought it to his face. "Edward..."

"Please don't try to comfort me," he said. "It just makes it worse when you're so sweet after what I did to you." He pulled my hand away from his face and kissed my palm.

I watched his face, mesmerized by the ever-changing stream of emotions I saw there. Anger for one moment, then frustration, then sadness. Then he looked up at me finally -- right in the eyes -- his gaze bolder than I'd seen since he'd returned to Forks.

"You came to my house earlier today and asked me to let you say what you needed to. And I'm so glad you did because I needed to hear it. Now I need to get some things out, too, Bella. That's difficult for me. I've got everyone else's thoughts in my head -- sometimes I forget my own thoughts aren't as accessible to my loved ones. Sometimes I forget I have to let people see what's going on in here." He tapped his forehead. "That they don't know unless I tell them. There's so much I didn't realize you were mistaken about, Bella. And I realize that's my fault.

"I need you to understand how precious you are to me -- how much I love you. You need to know that I lied to you when I said I didn't want you. Bella, I can't see straight for wanting you. That's something that hasn't changed from the second I laid eyes on you."

I turned my face away in reaction to his words, unable to hear them. My hands started to shake within his.

Edward smoothed my hair back, away from my eyes. "I hate that you don't believe me. But that's my fault, too, isn't it? Do you even understand why I left?"

I shook my head, still not looking at him.

"Maybe if I explain what I was thinking, you'll see how much I really do care about you, Bella. Like I said before, I don't have any excuse for walking out on you like that, but I do need to set some things straight. I think you know what triggered this whole mess, but it's really been going on for much longer than that. The incident with Jasper on your birthday just served as a wakeup call -- that one day, associating yourself with me was going to get you killed. Or worse. From the second I met you, I've brought nothing but danger and pain into your life."

My eyes flew back to his face. I opened my mouth to protest -- because what he'd just said wasn't entirely true -- but he touched his fingertips to my lips before I could speak.

"Look at the situation through my eyes, Bella. Not yours. What would you do if the tables were turned? What if I were the human, and you were the monster? Would you bring me back to your world? Around the other monsters, hoping and praying I won't be killed -- but knowing it will eventually end that way? What would you do if it were me?"

I stared at him, suddenly doubting things I was so certain of a moment ago. I thought about how much I loved him, and how much it frightened me to even think about him in any kind of danger. What would I do to keep him safe? Would I leave him? Was that really the reason Edward had left me in the first place? Was Alice right when she'd told me that everything Edward had done was rooted in love?

"I don't know what I would do," I replied quietly.

Edward gripped me by the arms, eyes pleading with me. "I _still_ don't know what to do. I was wrong to lie to you, Bella, and I was wrong to leave you without explaining all of this before. But the problem remains. Do you know that Alice sees you becoming a vampire one day? Do you have any idea how much that terrifies me? Not because I don't want you by my side, but because of everything you would lose -- your soul being at the top of the list. So what do I do? Stay with you, and either doom you to death or to a half-life like my own? Or stay away from you, and hurt you to save you? I still haven't made up my mind. On one hand, I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my non-existence with you. On the other, I feel incredibly selfish for even considering it.

"Just ... try to understand what it's like for me, Bella. Try to imagine searching your whole life for someone. I'm sure you've been there, had those moments, but you're only eighteen. Now multiply that by more than four, and you'll be closer to the number of years I've been alone. I'm not telling you that to lessen what you feel -- I'm telling you so that you can understand how precious and rare you are. I've searched for you for so long, but I had no idea that when I finally found you how much you would come to mean to me. Or what I would be willing to do to keep you safe. I don't think I really understood love before you. You are literally part of me. I would rip myself apart in a second if it meant saving you. I would rip us apart -- for you."

I considered his words, trembling within the firm grasp of his hands. "Are you trying to tell me you're going to leave again?"

Edward shook his head. "I've already promised you I wouldn't – not unless you ask me to. This has to be your decision, Bella, because it's your life and death we're talking about here. Your soul. And mine -- because if you go, rest assured I'll follow right after you. I've told you my fears. I've told you what Alice has seen. Is that what you really want? Please consider the cost before you answer. The future could change in an instant, and suddenly Alice might not see you as a vampire at all. She might see you on the ground with your throat ripped out instead."

"People die, Edward. When it's my time to go, at least I'll have had however many happy years with you. I'm at peace with that."

My response seemed to hurt him somehow -- his face crumpled like he wanted to cry, but he simply wasn't able to follow through with actual tears. "That's your decision, then? You still want to be with me, even after everything I put you through? Even if you lose yourself in the end?"

"That's my decision," I said. "For better or for worse. I love you, Edward."

He sighed, sounding relieved and pained all in the same breath. "I guess I'm going to have to come to terms with that, then. But I'm not going to lie -- I hate it. I hate that I can't have you and keep you safe at the same time."

"You're going to have to let that go, Edward. Or you're never going to find peace."

He still looked troubled, but he nodded, accepting my words. "Do you ever think you can forgive me for this whole mess?"

I gripped his tie and pulled him closer until our foreheads rested together. "I forgave you once I was done throwing pinecones at you."

We both laughed a little at the memory, and some of the tension leaked away. Edward slipped his arms around me, pulling me to the edge of the chair until his body was between my thighs. "And will you finally accept that I love you?"

My smile faded, but I didn't wince at his words this time. Didn't deny what he'd said. But his it still didn't make sense to me either. "I don't know why," I whispered, still holding onto his tie like he'd slip away if I let go. "I've never understood it."

"Hush," he scolded gently -- nuzzling me, fingers inching up the sides of my ribcage. "I never want to hear you say that again. I'll prove it to you if you won't believe me."

I shivered at the feel of him, pressed in so close to me. "How?"

He pulled back to look me in the eyes. "You'll see," he said, a hint of a smile on his lips.

I moved off of the chair like my body had a mind of its own. His strong hands were ready to catch me as I straddled him, and he eased me down onto his lap. Pulled me tight against him and kept me there, safe.

"You'll see," he whispered again, rocking me gently back and forth.

I sighed and buried my face in his shoulder, his tie still weaved between my fingers.

***

**Epilogue**

"Charlie is about to come looking for you."

Edward's voice stirred me out of an almost dreamlike state. My body was so relaxed against his; it was almost as if we were a single entity rather than two separate parts. I was content, unwilling to move, but I had a picture in the back of my mind of Charlie wandering out into the woods with a baseball bat. Nothing good could come of that.

I rubbed my face against Edward's shoulder, breathing deeply of his scent. "But I don't want to go." I sounded like a two-year-old and couldn't muster the strength to care.

He chuckled at my whining, busy tracing little patterns down the length of my spine. "I should probably stay on your father's good side. Charlie wasn't easy to win over this afternoon, and he's just waiting for me to make a mistake. Let's put his mind at ease. Besides, we have all the time in the world to hold each other. I'm not going anywhere."

In the distance, I heard the front door of the house creak open and the sound of my father's boots clomp across the porch. "Bella?" Charlie called, his voice closer than I thought it would be.

Shoulders slumped, I sighed. Edward rubbed my back encouragingly and helped me to my feet. He left me standing there for a minute, and I watched as he went from candle to candle, extinguishing them all until we were left in the dark. Shivering, I waited for him to come and claim me.

When his fingers brushed my hand, I followed.

***

Charlie eyed us both suspiciously as we neared the house. He seemed particularly displeased when he noticed that we were holding hands, but he didn't say anything about it. There was nothing he could really accuse us of. Edward had been smart to approach Charlie when he did. Otherwise, this transition would have been much more painful.

Edward walked me to the door, and we turned to face each other like we were at the end of some awkward first date. I wanted him to kiss me – wanted to ask him if he was really ready to end our evening – but what could I do with Charlie standing there, his fingers itching for a weapon?

"It's bedtime, Bella," said Charlie. "Say goodnight, and come in the house."

But I didn't say goodnight to Edward because that would imply that I wanted him to leave. I could only hope he understood the look in my eyes.

Edward brought my hand up to his lips for a kiss. And then he nodded at Charlie, turned, and slipped off into the night, hands buried deep in his pockets.

Hopes crumbling, I leaned against the door jamb and watched as Edward disappeared from sight. Charlie rolled his eyes, guided me inside, and shut the door.

***

Charlie harassed me surprisingly little once he had me in the house. Honestly, I don't think he wanted to hear about it. I excused myself to get ready for bed, exhausted even after I had napped that afternoon. The weariness went deeper than physical fatigue; I was emotionally drained as well.

My feet were heavy as I trudged up the stairs – so heavy that I stopped half-way to remove my shoes. I carried them the rest of the way, feeling the weight of isolation on my shoulders. I already missed Edward – wished that we'd had more time before he'd gone.

But apparently, I was going to have to be patient. Mature.

I did not want to be patient. Or mature.

I threw open my bedroom door like it had done something to offend me – and found Edward waiting for me inside.

My shoes hit the floor with a thud. "Oh, thank God. You're here."

Edward chucked as he approached, reaching past me to close the door. "Careful now. Charlie will hear. And then he'll try to shoot me, and we'll all have a lot of explaining to do."

I smiled up at him gratefully, love for him swelling up in my chest until I wanted to burst from it. It was too much to deal with – overwhelming in its intensity.

"I'm glad you came. Can you ... will you stay?" I stammered. "I mean ... if that's what you want. There's no pressure, one way or the other."

I blushed and looked down at the floor, feeling strangely embarrassed to ask him to stay the night with me after so many months. It felt like I was assuming too much – because despite the picturesque scene in the woods, not all of the pieces of our relationship had fallen back into place. He hadn't even kissed me, and I was already planning a sleepover.

Pleasure warmed the edges of his smile. "I didn't want to assume the invitation was open. I'm very glad to hear it is."

Silence settled between us, thick and meaningful. I was suddenly aware of how close he was and how nervous that made me. It reminded me of last year, before we'd declared ourselves to each other – both of us dancing around uncertainties, wondering what the other was thinking or if it was all right let our eyes linger too long.

"So what happens now?" I asked, timid and self-conscious.

Edward reached out to catch and stray lock of hair. He tucked it behind my ear and said, "Why don't you get changed for bed? You look tired. Maybe I could..."

I looked up into his eyes, cheeks burning.

"... stay and hold you while you sleep," Edward continued, moving closer still to me. "I've missed that. Would it be all right?"

Before I could answer, he leaned forward and traced his lips across my hairline.

"Um. Yeah," I managed to gasp. "That would be all right."

Was he kidding?

Edward kissed the top of my head and released me. "Go change. I'll be waiting."

I swayed on my feet for a second but eventually remembered how to turn and move again, my movements as stilted as a robot with a program glitch. I didn't want to leave to go change into my nightclothes, but I obediently walked to my dresser and fumbled around in one of the drawers for something to wear. I had a difficult time concentrating on the task, mostly because Edward lingered behind me, apparently just as unwilling to part as I was.

The feel of him so close to my body made me a little irrational.

I took a deep breath ... and started to undress. Right there. With Edward standing behind me.

I tugged my t-shirt over my head, and by the time my jeans hit the floor, I was trembling. I felt like I was in someone else's body, someone far bolder than Isabella Swan. But I wanted this. I unfastened my bra with shaky fingers, grateful that I was facing away from him so he couldn't see how the blush on my face intensified a million-fold. I grabbed a tank top from my dresser because it was the first thing I saw, then quickly pulled it over my head, smoothing it down to cover my nakedness.

I closed the dresser drawer and turned to face Edward, wondering what on earth he must be thinking.

His face was almost comical as he blinked down at me wordlessly, eyes wide, fists clenched at his side. His mouth was open like he wanted to protest.

But he didn't protest. And he was definitely looking.

Needing to do something to break the tension, my hands went to his throat to loosen his tie. That snapped him to attention, and he stopped me, covering my hands with his own. "I don't think that's a good idea," he said, shaking his head like I had proposed something obscene.

"I don't want to have sex, Edward," I said, my voice bolder than I expected. "So relax if that's what you're thinking. I just want you to be comfortable." Freeing my hands from his, I tugged on the knot of his tie again.

Some of the tension went out of him, but I could see the wheels turning in his head. He let me finish what I was doing, regardless of whatever it was he was thinking.

Eyes locked with his, I slid the tie slowly from his shirt collar. The motion brought our bodies closer together.

Edward's throat worked. "Bella..."

I placed the tie on my nightstand and then started on the buttons on his shirt. "Yes?"

"I can't do this. Be this close to you. It's going to be like yesterday, when I brought you up here and I-"

"No, it's not."

Once I had his shirt undone, my fingers slipped inside on their own volition, finding his waist and pulling him closer. My breasts, soft and free beneath the thin fabric of my tank top, pushed up against his icy chest – but Edward was the one that shivered.

"What if I slip?" he asked quietly.

"I'll tell you to stop if you try."

Edward growled with disapproval. "I'm leaving my jeans on."

"Deal. But lose the shirt. I need to feel you close tonight."

Pushing away from him gently, I walked toward the bed. I tugged the covers back and got in, turning around to look at him. It was one of the few times I had caught him unabashedly staring at my body. I'd seen him look before, but he was too much of a gentleman to ever truly ogle. From the look on his face, I'm not even sure he knew he was staring, much less what gentlemanly behavior was supposed to be.

I didn't understand what made him want to stare, but I let him. Invited it, even. My body belonged to him if he wanted it. It was his to look at, touch, kiss – whatever he wanted.

Edward shook his head as if coming out of a daze, and he tugged his already unbuttoned shirt off. He let it fall to the ground, and then slipped his belt from the loops of his jeans.

My lips parted at the sight of him – hard lines of muscle softened by the moonlight filtering in through the window.

Now it was my turn to stare.

After he took off his shoes, he started for the bed – and I was suddenly nervous again. I was still sitting up, but when he drew nearer, fingers trailing a path toward me on the mattress, we melted down onto the bed together.

I settled back onto the pillow, and though Edward moved over me, he didn't lower himself down. His hands explored my body like he wanted to memorize it, starting at my face, pulling a gasp out of me when he dragged one of his thumbs across my lower lip. Then he moved slowly down the length of my neck, where my pulse hammered away, and across my collarbone. He skirted around my breasts, fingers barely grazing the sides of them as he moved downward. Finally, his hands found my hips, thumbs pressed into the divots beside my hipbones.

And I trembled beneath him – afraid to move or speak for fear he'd stop.

His eyes moved to the small line of bare skin showing between the hem of my tank top and the top of my panties. He molded his hands to my side and slid them upward, taking the tank top with him. He pushed it up to the underside of my breasts, and I shivered when I felt the coolness of his breath on the bare skin of my belly.

"You are so beautiful," he whispered, eyelashes dark against his pale skin.

I stared at him – because he was the beautiful one – as he lowered his face to the soft swell of my lower belly. He kissed me there almost reverently, and it was all I could do not to writhe beneath the gentle pressure of his lips on my abdomen.

He lifted his head up and parted my thighs with his knee, lowering his body down on top of mine. Ever conscious of not hurting me, he put most of his weight on his elbows, moving his forearms under my back, cradling the back of my head in his hands.

Nose to nose, we laid there and took each other in.

It took me a while to get comfortable with that level of intimacy, but he was patient and waited for me to relax in his arms. He wore the sweetest of smiles on his face as he gazed down at me – and for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why someone like him would look at someone like me that way.

But it was difficult to deny the things I read in his eyes. It honestly felt as if he were attacking some barrier in my brain that was still resisting him. It took me a while to figure out what it was.

I remembered the words he had whispered to me out in the woods.

_You'll see …_

I was starting to see it.

I couldn't look away from his eyes – couldn't deny the truth that radiated down at me through that adoring gaze.

Edward loved me.

Plain, old me. Human. Flawed. The one with the too-soft belly that he'd just worshipped with his lips. For some reason I couldn't fathom, he loved it all.

Tears filled my eyes, obscuring my vision, but he didn't move to comfort me, even when the tears began to stream down my cheeks. I think he knew that I wasn't really sad.

He just waited. Held me. Loved me with his eyes until I couldn't get away from it.

I clung to him and whispered, "I love you, too."

Edward's smile deepened. "I'm glad we cleared that up."

And then he lowered his face to mine, thumbs wiping away the wetness on my cheeks, and kissed me.

***

The End.

**Author's Note: **I was originally going to end this story with sex – all nice and slow and gentle and hot. I thought about it, even tried it out, and I do think I could have made it work. But I just ... _gah_ ... I couldn't do it and still be true to the characters. Go read _Yes, Please_ or _Spiral Static_ if you want some E/B porn. ;D

Oh, and I need to give credit where credit is due. Charlie's line -- _Kid, you have no idea_ -- is from an episode of _Gilmore Girls_. One of my favorite lines from that show ever. I didn't intend to just nab it like that, but once I wrote it down, I couldn't bring myself to rewrite it. Sorry, Lorelai.

Hope you enjoyed the story. Thank you so much for taking the time to read.

If you have a moment, I'd love to know what you thought.

See you again soon,  
-Coquette


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